Getting Unstuck

I saw my therapist today. If you think once you've lost weight all your problems go away, wrong! 😂  I never for a minute thought that but since hitting my goal weight, it's been rocky. I knew I needed to talk to someone about all of the feelings.

We talked about a lot of things surrounding my weight loss journey. I told her about being body shamed at the scale on goal day and that that I may have rocked the boat about the need for a bit more sensitivity at the scales. She said that I was a pioneer, challenging the status quo. Ugh... I told her it was a role I wan't looking for and a role I wasn't really comfortable taking on.

I also told her about my social media following and how I used it for accountability but that I also found comfort in knowing others were going through similar struggles. I talked about how losing my protective fat layer has left me feeling naked and vulnerable. Because if people don't like me now, it's not because I'm fat but because they don't like my personality. Ouch!

Here are some of the main themes that came up:

• I pull way too much value from what other people think of me and feel I'm only worthy if praise is coming from others. Yeah... this has been my since as long as I can remember. A good girl is a loved girl and love means I'm okay!
  
• I need to start loving myself more and not finding my worth from what other people think of me.
  
• If I'm a true leader, I will keep negative comments on my posts and deal with them with respect by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way and good luck with your journey." These negative people are dealing with their own major issues and I should treat them compassionately and FORGIVE them. Ugh... sounds horrible. lol I know this is so true. I need to live it.
  
• I absorb way too much of other people's energy because I think that I need to fix everybody else's problems. I need to stay in my own hula hoop. If I respect other people, I should respect that they can take care of their own shit. I am responsible TO people but not FOR people.
  
• I don't have to keep myself off social media but I need to understand that it's not where I should pull my self worth. Noted.
  
• I explained to her that I realized at what point food became my drug. Somewhere around age 8. She encouraged me to talk to the little girl and remind her why she is special. It's pretty simple... "Little Nat - you're good enough. You've always been good enough and you will always be good enough. You have a beautiful soul,  you are loving and an intelligent girl and you should love the person you are and the woman you will become."

My thoughts on therapy: therapy is not for f*cked up people. Therapy is for anyone who wants to get unstuck. I love Chalene Johnson and as a business coach she requires her students to get therapy because it makes them better entrepreneurs. Why would you not get help to unstick yourself? Who doesn't want to be better? 

Anyway, I feel so much better. I always say that when you feel emotionally constipated, you should go to therapy because it's much like having a huge emotional dump. Crude but true. It feels soooo good! And I am and will always be a work in progress. One thing I have learned as I get older: the older I get, the more I realize I know NOTHING!

Does any of this resonate for anyone else? I'm guessing that many of us compulsive overeaters deal with many of these themes. Do you like therapy?

Know Your Normal

I'd be lying if I said things have been peachy lately. I've been struggling with my mood, anxiety, back issues, odd food choices (craving more carbs), energy and my usual sparkly spirit feels slightly dulled lately. Truthfully, before I decided to take my health very seriously last year, that's pretty much how I felt all the time and just thought that was my normal. But once I started to feel healthy, happy and fit again, I realised that I had a new normal and became quite aware when something wasn't clicking.

Well something in the last month has definitely NOT been clicking. I've been just so off and I had no idea why until my doctor's office called me on Friday.

Since the middle of January, I have felt lethargic, filled with anxiety, having increased heart palpitations with chest pain and breathlessness, dizziness, moody, trouble swallowing - just really off. I chalked it up to anxiety from the build up of stress I've had in my life in the last few months but I didn't really feel that stressed. At least not more than usual. Luckily I had a doctor's appointment scheduled in January and had her check my blood work after I told her how my heart palpitations were getting worse, especially when I ran.

Last Friday I got a call from her office and her receptionist gave me a message from her telling me that I was pretty anaemic and needed to start taking an iron supplement immediately. I know it sounds crazy but I was so relieved. Maybe this has been the reason for the shift in my normal. Immediately I thought this might be the reason for my heart palpitations but as I read the list of symptoms related to anaemia, I could check off each one:

• extreme fatigue
• feeling lethargic
• anxiety
• cold extremities
• tingling extremities
• chest pain
• heart palpitations
• dizziness
• difficulty swallowing
• moody
• brittle nails
• hair loss

Yup. I have every single symptom. But I never thought I could group them all together like that and to my surprise, anaemia causes every single symptom.

I have started taking supplements and I sure hope the symptoms lessen sooner than later. My anxiety has been through the roof because I've been feeling so bad and worrying about what it could all mean. But low iron also causes anxiety... Obviously! My body is freaking out because it can't get enough oxygen. I'd be freaking out too! I realize now that as a frequent blood donor and as a woman who probably has a pretty heavy period, my poor body had no red blood cells left.

I've been just barely maintaining my weight. With this feeling of being lethargic and anxious, all I want to do is eat all the carbs because my brain says "that makes me feel happy and satisfied". I made myself two bowls of homemade mac and cheese the other day. Hadn't done that in a very long time! I haven't been counting points since I started maintenance but I think I needed the mental break from it. Luckily, the changes I've made this year do help me keep things pretty in check. I may have mac and cheese one day but I can reign it in pretty quickly to get back on track when I need to.

But all this just proves something very important to me. When you feel good and take care of your body, you are way more capable of understanding when something isn't right. I knew there was something strange going on with my body. I didn't know what it was but I knew it wasn't in my head. Once you find your "new normal" and understand how your body is when it's at its best, you know pretty darn quickly when something is not working. Be an advocate for your health. Know your body and know when to ask for help.

Please pray for me and send me healthy vibes that the iron helps restore me to the bubbly, healthy and happy person I used to be. I haven't been posting on social media much because I find that I am very irritable and any negative remarks or comments puts me right over the edge. I need to balance myself a little here while I figure all of this out. I need to find my normal again.

Peace to all of you beautiful people xoxoxo

Nat