"It Was Me All Along" - A Book I Could Have Written Myself

First off, if you have battled with food your entire life like I have, you should definitely read this book. "It Was Me All Along" is a memoir by Andie Mitchell, a food columnist and blogger who spent 20 years of her life overweight and her entire life trying to understand the complexities of her relationship with food. In reading this book, I've realized that I may suffer from disordered eating. I'll explain why I believe that to be true in a moment.

The Early Years
Andie's earliest memories include her watching her mother prance around the kitchen preparing heaps of food for family gatherings. The chubby five year old would become transfixed by lemon squares, cupcakes, and so on. She explains how she just couldn't wait until her mom left the room so she could sneak another cupcake in even after having tried one already.

Three year old me... When did the food obsession start?

I remember going to family parties as a child and being so excited that there would be a spread of my favourite treats there: Cake, chips and dip, soft drinks, etc. After having stuffed myself at most of those parties, I recall going home at night and sleeping by the toilet because my stomach would be so sore. This happened frequently. Yet I would repeat the behaviours at the next party. I was obsessed with eating and over eating. I remember also sneaking food like glasses of quick and soft drinks which my parents kept in the cold storage room for visitors. I would drink sips from the 2L bottles in hopes no one would notice.


The Struggle Continues
Andie's struggle with weight continues on into her teen years. When the doctor finally points out that she is obese, she tries her first attempts at dieting. Her mom even signs her up for special diet pill trials to help her along but she still ends up confused about how to eat and doesn't end up being successful. She eventually finds Weight Watchers and counting points seemed to click for her but instead of finding a balance with food, she finds herself obsessed with counting and making sure she is eating foods she deems safe.

Diagnosed With An Eating Disorder... Sort Of...
It gets to the point where she is afraid to go out for dinner with her boyfriend and has a panic attack at the restaurant because she couldn't eat her "safe foods". After that outburst, which resulted in a fight with her beau, she decides she needs to see a nutritionist and eventually a therapist and psychiatrist. The nutritionist suspects Andie has EDNOS, which stands for  an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. She had gone from a lifetime of overeating to a diet of restriction... BOOM... Lightbulb... This is me exactly.

My Food Obsession
The truth is I am obsessed with food. I'm always thinking about it whether I'm in binge mode or calorie counting mode. Thus the disordered eating. I've tracked and counted my food for 230 days straight because I'm terrified that I will screw up and fall back into old habits. I don't trust myself with food. I'm either all in (extreme obsession with being a perfect counter, working out, etc.) to all out and saying "who cares" and letting myself get drunk with food. And the sad truth is that I don't think I will ever be rid of this obsession. And that is exhausting to think of.


OA? Therapy?
My mom belongs to Overeaters Anonymous and I'm starting to think this might be something to consider. It's about learning what your triggers are, dealing with the compulsive thoughts and learning to give them up to a higher power - be it God, Source, The Universe, whatever. It's AA for food obsessed folks like me. The other option would be therapy and maybe that's not a bad idea either. I just look around and say "why can't I be like that girl who never has this compulsive thinking towards food? Why did I end up with this?"

It's the hand that I was dealt so I'm learning to figure it out. Slowly... Obviously slowly... I'm almost 40 and I'm just starting to skim the surface of this big old dilemma. Writing and talking about it helps because I know I'm not alone.

It Was Me All Along
At the end of the book Andie talks about how some people who have lost lots of weight will refer to their bigger selves in a detached way, like that was another person from another life. People talk about how their newer self is new and improved but she says she doesn't look at her journey that way.

Here's a quote from the book: "But here's the truth I've come to know: Fat or thin, it was me all along."

I know who I'm becoming is a result of where I came from. The girl that was oinked at (twice in my life by different strangers), the girl who fidgeted at her brother's wedding because she felt like a whale in that hideous bridesmaid's dress made for a thin person and the woman who birthed two children (without drugs, may I add) had to go through all those things so she could become the person she is today. And from where I stand, I'm pretty happy with the results, flaws and all. At least every day I'm learning that there's is more that I can do to understand myself, be kinder to myself and love myself.

If you want to check out the book, click here.

Nat
xoxo