I Have Embraced

When I met with my therapist last week, she reminded me that what other people think of my body doesn't matter. I just need to worry about how much I love myself because that is what will carry me through. Right until the end. So here is a love letter to my body.

You came into this world loving yourself because babies and children don't know shame. They don't see size, colour and shape, they see deeper than that. They see heart, soul, love, compassion, fear, pain, honesty. At some point, around 8 years old, you started to question your value because you turned to food for comfort. All of sudden being yourself was painful and you filled that void with food. It provided a protective layer that made you invisible.

In your teens, your athletic shape made you feel fat. Even though at 5'9' you were only 155 lbs, those curvy breasts and stretched marked thighs made you feel less than. I wish I could go back in time and shake you to remind you how completely beautiful and strong you were.

Around 16, food became a huge comfort again. You gained over 100 lbs in the matter of 3 or 4 years, you were at your heaviest weight. You had been oinked at in bars, and ignored by most boys and eventually men because while you were smart, articulate and so freaking funny, You were fat. That's all you were and that's all you felt you were worth.

One day, a beautiful man loved your body and fell in love with you, every part of you. The outsides and the insides. Every day he tells you how beautiful you are but most days you don't see it. You are lucky this man is the father of your children and your partner for life.

You brought two children into this world. You got stretch marks, saggy boobs, cellulite, strange new medical issues but you got two humans. TWO HUMANS. Two perfectly imperfect beings who love you no matter how bad your breath is or how flabby your arms are. All they care about is that your lips kiss their forheads at night and that your arms comfort them when their hearts are broken. They love your boobs and tell you every day. (for real... they are obsessed. LOL) But why wouldn't they love them? Those two fleshy bits have fed them and comforted them. They love your scent because it's a mixture of your skin, Dove bar soap and likely garlic. Because you eat a lot of garlic.

You have transformed so much this year. You have curves where you didn't before. You run. Period. Considering a two minute run used to be hard, this is pretty much revolutionary to you. You can hold a plank for 1 minute. Your mind is strong, full of ideas, words, feelings, concerns. And so creative. You do SO much.

And for so many years, like a little child, you tugged at me and said "I'm here. Please take care of me." And I wanted to. I wanted to so badly but I was stuck and I wasn't ready. Finally your pleas got louder and I couldn't ignore them anymore. Sore back, no sleep, exhaustion, mood swings, depression and anxiety. You sent an SOS and I FINALLY heard it.

I'm sorry I hurt you for so long. I was hurt and lost but I think finally we are both on the same page. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you at 197 lbs and I will love you at whatever weight you are because you got me here. And that's why every night, I never forget to name you, my body, as one of my most important gratitudes. You have never failed me and I will always love you for that.

Love,
Me