From Invisible to Invincible

First off, I haven't written in a while. I guess I haven't been feeling very prolific, at least when it comes to my own blog. I've been doing quite a bit of writing to bring home the bacon but not so much for filling my soul. I haven't been feeling very prolific in my weight loss blah blah either. I guess that's why I haven't been blogging. Sigh... This plateau thing is really frustrating. It's making it hard to keep my focus. But I'm still in it to win it. Kind of?!?!?

The scale has not been showing me love but there are other ways I've been able to measure my success lately. First, I just took my inches today. I hadn't taken them in a few months. I was happy to see that my upper body trimmed up quite a bit. I lost 2 more inches on my chest and an inch off my waist. My hips and calves stayed the same or got bigger but I think that's my muscles exploding from becoming a runner. Boom! Which leads me to my next big news....

I RAN MY FIRST OFFICIAL 5K!!!!

When I finished the couch to 5k in August, I decided that I would sign up for my first race. I had to do it! I needed to make it official. I signed up for a Halloween fun run. It has been great because it gave me the motivation to keep running as the weather started to cool off. I also knew that I wanted to get one under my belt before the snow fell. In September, I also convinced my friend L to join me. It was her first time too. 5k virgins!!

How did I feel before the race started:
- Excited.
- Worried my heart palps would get the better of me. (they didn't)
- Worried the mucky, slippery limestone trails would make me fall. It had rained the day before. (I was okay)
- Ready to get going!

How I felt during the race:
- Excited to be amongst other runners who looked the part. The run was at night so we had headlamps on. Kind of badass.
- When I started feeling tired and sore, I reminded myself how far I've come and that I could do anything with everything I've pushed myself to do this year.
- Worried that L, who had a chest cold, would feel like she had to push herself more than she could to run with me. She wasn't sure she could go full out with her cold. She was a rockstar.
- Stoked that "Pump Up the Jam" came on at the 3.5 km mark. I was starting to lose steam. It got me going again.

How did I feel after the race:
- Relieved it was over.
- In the last 3 minutes, when I just wanted to quit, I could hear the cheering around the bend and it fuelled me to keep pushing.
- Happy to see my family when we ran across the finish line. So glad my kids could see me achieve something so important to me.
- I felt like if I could do that, I could do anything. ANYTHING!
- Excited to eat my complimentary smokie and s'more. Yeah, I tapped that hard.

I finished with a time of 39:06.

I had an odd moment that night too. L and I wanted to take a pre-race picture so we tapped this lady on the shoulder to see if she could help a girl out. When she turned around, I realized it was someone I had gone to college with. I immediately said "D?" She said "yeah. Wait... I know you. Don't tell me..." Well even after telling her we went to school together, she couldn't remember my name. This was both partially exciting and defeating. Part of me thought it might be because I look very different and she may have not recognized me 30 or 40 lbs lighter (I don't remember what I weighed in college but it was significantly more than now). The other part of me thought "oh, the pretty girl didn't remember the fat girl because the fat girl was invisible." Society has a way of letting us blur in the background. Even some of my closest friends in college can't remember that I majored in journalism and was in most of their classes. Yeah. Invisible. Maybe it was because I didn't really want to be seen. Verdict is out.

The good news is that I've always had a bigger than life spirit even if the fat girl unknowingly created camouflage for it. But now my heart and soul are exploding all over the place. It's impossible not to see me! And I like that. I'm not interested in being invisible anymore.

Every time I check an item off the list of things I thought I'd never do, I know I'm creating a life I can look back on and be proud of. It's not super official yet but there is talk that the production company I wrote a documentary for last year may want me to write, produce and host a cooking show which will potentially air nationally in Canada. It will be a healthy cooking show which I am so excited to talk about. I want to show people how cooking good, nutritious, clean food without the smoke and mirrors (aka fat, sugar, processed crap) actually tastes WAY better. Say What?!?!

When I went to college, my intent was to become a TV news host. I eventually let go of that dream because I didn't think anyone would ever hire the fat girl to be on TV. Maybe my time is coming after all.

Not so invisible anymore.

Every Little Bit Helps

I was dreading going to my weigh in this morning. I knew the scale had be much lower the day before but, due to hormones and just feeling weak and depleted on Monday, I ended up eating a bit more than I planned, all good things, but the scale definitely reflected my extra food. And extra salt. Can I say, it would be awfully nice if the gas stations would carry unsalted, plain nuts for snacking. Why must all gas station nuts be candied or super salted? After my aquafit class yesterday, I was so shaky and weak so I grabbed some nuts after I gassed up to get me back home. Not worth the salt!

A friend of mine texted me this morning, a fellow Weight Watcher and someone who gets the battle... every day... every second. We both had crap days on Monday but we both agreed we'd get through it. As she said about this weight loss battle: "We're gonna kick its stupid ass." Agreed. But I still felt sorry for myself.

Here's the record that played in my head during my 30 minute drive to my meeting.

- "I'm tired of losing weight."

- "I hate this fight every single day."

- "This is hard and I hate obsessing about food every second of the day."

- "Why am I like this?"

- "My hormones send me into psycholand every month, as they are today, yet I still feel like I can't do this. Even though I know I'll feel better in a few days."

- "I hate skinny people. Not the skinny people who had to fight to lose weight, just the ones who are born that way and stay that way. I hate them."

- "I want to turn around and go home. I hate the scale today. I hate Weight Watchers today. Get me a Big Mac."

And repeat.

But as I was turning onto the final road to my meeting, I got stuck at a red light. As I sat there waiting for the light to signal it was time to make my left turn, I noticed a street person walking down the boulevard towards me. He was asking people for money as he walked passed cars. He was limping, missing a few teeth and didn't look much older than me.

Ugh.... Okay God. Got it.

I just spent the last 20 minutes complaining in my own head how hard my life was, how much I struggle, how hard my daily battles are and then I see this man, limping towards me, begging for money.

I hurried to get some change from my wallet before the light changed. He stopped at my window, I opened it and handed him the change. "Here's some change," I said. "Sorry, it's all I have." To which he responded, "thank you. Every little bit helps." He smiled at me and I smiled back. I closed my window and turned toward my meeting. As I drove past him, I had to wipe tears from my eyes.

He was right, every little bit does help. Even though I gave him a little change, it was no coincidence that he was there for me today. I needed the reminder that we all have battles. His is tough but mine is too. We can't judge other people on "THEIR HARD" and compare who has it worse. It's okay that I felt bad today. It happens. And while that man was begging for money, he still had a smile on his face. He was facing his battle today too with courage and kindness.

There's nothing wrong with struggling and admitting it's hard sometimes as long as we remember that we aren't alone and most of us are just aimlessly trying to get through the day. We are all more alike than we realize and we have to remember that.

I ended up losing a pound after all. And, although my losses are slower lately, I have to remember that every little bit helps. I will get there.