It all started to unravel about three weeks ago when I got under the 200-pound mark. In January, I had set a goal that I wanted to be under 200 pounds by the time we left for Disney World at the end of September. Well, I met my goal and surpassed it. Yay me! But that was when it all went down...
THE MILESTONE
After surpassing 200 lbs, and entering "onederland", I immediately looked at the rest of my journey as "the last 30 lbs". Big mistake! Up until that point, I had broken down my journey into smaller chunks, about 10 lb increments, which made it much easier to digest. That last 30 sounded like a mountain to me. I could hear my motivation packing a bag and heading south for the winter. Yup, I wasn't ready to tackle the last 30. I thought to myself "Wasn't 55 lbs enough?" I eventually realized it was a mistake to look at the entire 30 lbs and decided to readjust my next goal to 189 lbs. Phew... that was better. But the storm was just starting to pick up. I didn't know the strength of its core. Yet... |
| My dad and son at the lake |
THE MEN FOLK
Following this huge milestone, I spent three days with my dad, my brother, his kids and my kids at my dad's cottage.Here is something you should know about these guys: my dad and my brother have very different relationships with food than I do. Their relationships are healthy. The generally eat very well, listen to their bodies' cues for hunger and satiety, they will have small indulgences but will rarely overeat. I, on the other hand, am a food ADDICT. My past includes emotionally eating, overeating, over indulging, attaching emotions to food (like guilt).... My track record with the stuff is not good. Obviously.
Sitting there with the two of them for 3 days made me both appreciate the way they look at food while loathing them all at the same time. Obviously, I love these two guys to bits but I was SO mad that I was not wired the way they were. Why did I get the crappy genes? I would watch them eat their moderate meals, drink a little wine and a have a piece of nanaimo bar and see that they knew they were done eating. I had a sliver of the nanaimo bar and all I could think about was "when do I get more nanaimo bar!" I guarantee, they weren't thinking that way. Like WTF????
Then came the book...
THE BOOK
Also, right around this time, I had just received an amazing book from my fellow Weight Watcher Shannon, which I think I mentioned in my first blog post. Shannon had a bag of clothes she just "had to get to me." I was like "dude, seriously. You can just give it to someone else. You don't have to go out of your way to give it to me." But, as she told me later, she was determined to get that bag to me. I think the Universe was nudging her to bring the bag of clothes to me that just happened to have the book I never knew I needed to read."It Was Me All Along" was written by writter/blogger Andie Mitchell about her lifelong tumultuous relationship with food. Reading that book was the fuel to the shit storm fire that had already been brewing. Why? Because her story was my story and reading her book made me feel both relieved that I wasn't alone but it also made me realize, yup, I've always been this way! But the worst part... It made me realize I will always be this way.
EFFFFF!!!! I did not sign up for this. I want a new assignment. Cheque please!
Now, even though I kind of knew all this, the book brought it all up to the surface. Every deep down, dirty little food demon.
Why do I eat like this? Why is my brother the way he is? I don't want to fight this fight for the rest of my life! I'm tired of counting points, pre-planning, obsessing about food. This is pure crap! This can't be the way it is.
But what I realized, as I sat through the storm, THIS IS THE WAY IT IS... It was that realization that turned the breakdown into the breakthrough.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
My first reaction, while in full shit storm mode, was to cancel my Weight Watchers account and hide in the basement in a bathtub full of chips. But I didn't turn to food. I just sat in that shit storm for a few days and realized I needed to make a choice. I could either get fat (AGAIN), unhealthy and miserable in a mountain of food, or I could keep fighting the best I could, continue with the habits I've fostered over the last 8 months and keep working on my journey to health. I had to choose my hard. Because there isn't some fairy who is going to come down from a magical land and make this easier anytime soon. This will ALWAYS be my fight.That, ladies and gentlemen, was the turning point. I had popped back up over the 200 lb mark during the cosmic shit storm of the century, but as soon as it passed, my weight started to go back down again.
There was a block there - a mental one - but I worked through it. I had to get through the storm to find my rainbow. And I did. It's not the shiniest rainbow, the colours aren't very vivid but it's my rainbow and I will continue to find beauty in it.
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