Five Things That Never Crossed My Mind Before Covid 19

It is absolutely insane how our lives have done a completely 360 in less than a month. It does demonstrate, however, how adaptable we as humans can be. And girl... when we need to make changes because it means life or death, wow, can people can get their shit together!

Over the last few weeks, I sometimes have to pause at the utter ridiculousness of the phrases and thoughts that run through my itty bitty brain. Things I have never imagined myself ever having to think or say before.

So, in hopes I never, ever forget this season of my life (like I ever could), I am documenting some of these crazy scenarios.

1. Don't break anything! We CANNOT go to the emergency room!
This one I say at least 8 times a day. When you have a gymnast/cheerleader in your midst who likes to throw backhandsprings at any given time or place, it is a legit fear that she is going to break her neck. "Do not do something stupid that is going to end us up in an emergency room full of diseased people. Don't. Just don't. Sit your butt down and stop tumbling. Forever."

2. Did you brush your teeth today? Because most dentist offices are closed and if you have a cavity it isn't gonna be easy to find someome to fix it. Have you had tooth pain before? Brush your fricken teeth!
This is similar to number one. I'll admit, sometimes I get through half of the day and realize, crap, I didn't brush my teeth. The thing is, I usually brush my teeth in the morning before I leave the house and when you aren't going anywhere, I legit forget until I realize my teeth feel furry. Ew! Brush your teeth. If anything for the people you are stuck in isolation with. Blech.... Dragon breath. Nuff said.

3. Grocery shopping is like going to battle
I have learned, as the primary grocery getter for our household (lucky me), I have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself to get ready for grocery shopping trips.

First, make sure you have a list because if any of you are like me, I like to get in and get out as quickly as possible. I feel like I'm on the 80s show Supermarket Sweep. Get out of my way, because I am going full throttle in there and I am not responsible for anyone who gets in my way. Secondly, do you have your protective equipment ready? Masks, sanitizer, gloves - whatever your combo is, make sure you are prepared. I feel like I should carry around a tool belt or briefcase with my collection of paraphanilia.

And if you were able to get the groceries you were hoping for (which is not a guarantee these days), then you have to get them from your car into your house so you can spend another hour disinfecting every single thing you brought in. And if you've survived that part, then you get the joy of disinfecting yourself - purse, glasses, clothes, body parts. I'm having an anxiety attack just thinking of it right now. BARF!

4. My leftover game has never been so fierce
I have never in my life been more aware of the food I have in my house. I can tell you exactly how many cans of beans we have, how much dog food is left in the pantry, where the ketchup bottle is speficially located in my fridge and what leftovers we have in there. Let's just say that my family is now very well trained to eat leftovers before making something new to eat. If there are any scraps of leftover food, you best be eating them first or mama will come for you. Be warned.

This pandemic has given me so much more of an appreciation for the food we have and making sure none of it goes to waste. Don't get me wrong, this has always been on my radar but not to this extent. This is next level awareness... and I like it.


5. Toilet paper.... my precious
This is sort of along the same lines as #4. Before this Covid life, I never, ever, ever paid attention to the amount of toilet paper I used because, frankly, I never worried I'd run out! For one thing, my husband has always been the one who keeps track of toilet paper in the house. I think he already had some weird fear of running out. So I never worried about it - he always knew when we were running low. But man, now.... Looking at it flush down the drain, it hits me in the feels every. single. time.

I saw someone tweet today: "Every time I finish a roll of toilet paper, it feels like a petal falling off the enchanted rose in Beauty and the Beast." I mean, that is exactly how I feel every time we finish another rose... I mean roll. It's tragic. Ugh... and I miss Disney World while we're on the subject.


All kidding aside, I know this period in our lives was put here to teach us lessons. We had become reckless with our consumption, how we treat our bodies, how we treat the planet and how we treat each other - let's be honest, something had to give. What we were doing was not working and it had been weighing heavy on me for years but I didn't know how we were ever going to stop the chaos.

God, Mother Nature, the Universe (whatever you're into) knows best. We are not in charge. We are part of this big picture but we are just pieces of the puzzle. My hope is that we don't just get through this season having survived but not taking in the valuable lessons it is teaching us. My hope is that we don't return to the way things were because, honestly, they weren't working for us.

I will never again take for granted the food in my cupboards, the toilet paper in my bathroom, a simple trip to the grocery store, a walk in the park and a hug from someone I love. I hope at the very least, this moment in our lives stays with us even just for a while and that we build on the important lessons we've learned.

The Year Where I Choose Love Over Fear

Last year, 2017, was filled with so much anxiety for me. Most of it was rooted in my health but it trickled into so many aspects of my life. It made me question the steps I had taken to become healthy. Were the choices I was making right for me? I had lost 65lbs (80 total from my heaviest point) but while the body might get there relatively quickly, the mind and the soul take a little longer to catch up.

The truth is in 2017 I lived a lot in fear and not in love.

I feel a shift for 2018 not just in me, but in the world in general. I feel like we are shifting from a place of fear back to a place of love. We're not focusing on getting skinny, we're focusing on health. We're not focusing on our differences, we are focusing on our similarities. We're not letting government, media and other corporations tell us their version of the truth, we are looking for answers in each other. We are shifting towards love.

Can you imagine how much power this will give us in our lives, 

our families and our communities?

Last year, I stressed about maintaining my weight. I stressed about failing and gaining the weight back. I felt alone when I chose a different path towards healing my relationship with food. There was so much fear there. So much darkness. I always say that anxiety feels like being trapped in your own mind. It is dark, scary and so lonely. But that's the time you need to reach outside yourself and look for the light.

The light exists in everything around us. In the sweetness of your child's voice. It's in that comforting conversation over peppermint tea with an old friend, (Merci Janelle! xoxo) It's the kind comments you get from your online tribe of friends who understand your struggle and let you know you don't struggle alone. It's knowing that we never have to be alone. People have our back. Always.

This year, I choose love. I choose to make time for myself to connect with my girl squad. We as women need to lift each other up and take care of each other.

I choose to make time for me to listen to old records that make my soul happy, and to have conversations with my mom when I need a kick in the pants. Especially in those moments when fear shadows over love.

I choose whole health. I choose to go in my room, put some essential oils in my diffuser, close my eyes and breathe. 

I choose to put foods in my body that don't cause me to struggle with my food addiction. Those toxic foods that bring fear back into my soul: I don't want them. They are not welcome in my temple.

I choose to surround myself with bright souls who make my light sparkle even brighter. I don't have room for people who steal my light.

I will continue to strengthen my spiritual connection with God and all things around me. Because we are all interconnected.

And as I have for many years, I will start and end my day with gratitude. If you don't do this already - it completely changes your perspective on life. It will have you starting and ending your day in love.

So that's it. It's both simple and complicated. It's easy in theory but it will require work and focus but eventually, the light will dominate. I feel the shift happening for all of us but we just have to work towards it.

Doctor Wayne Dyer has a beautiful podcast about Love and Fear. You can find it here. I highly suggest you take a listen.

And tomorrow marks my first full week on the ONE3ONE Diet and I plan to share all my thoughts and pictures. Eek - I'm not scared. I'm choosing bravery and love :D

2018 IS THE YEAR OF LOVE

She Learned More So She Could Do More

It's been nearly two years since I decided I had to take my health back. I had been listening to inspiring podcasts and reading inspiring books about taking the plunge but I idly waited on the sidelines because I was scared to jump in. Scared to fail, scared to restrict my diet, scared my addiction would win as it always did.

But shockingly, I lost weight. I lost weight fast.  65 lbs in 7-8 months. Weight loss happened as long as I did the right things. But doing the right things was hard because the food addiction was always there. It's always there throwing up barriers.

It's Not All About The Numbers
But weight loss was just a great side effect of what was really happening. The magic was that I was gathering knowledge. Knowledge that was helping set in motion a journey that wasn't about weight loss. It was about getting my body, my mind and my spirit in balance.

Over the last 3 to 4 years, I've continued to listen to amazing health podcasts like The Fat Burning Man, The Chalene Show, Fasting Talk with Jimmy Moore and The Obesity Code podcast. I read books like The Keto Diet, The Obesity Code, The Complete Guide to Fasting. These ideas were new and definitely controversial but the studies and results people were seeing were undeniable. And I'm not just talking about smaller waistlines. I mean reversal of actual, scary diseases.

The Road Not Taken
My path started in one direction but as I absorbed more and more knowledge, I had to tweak, modify and sometimes go in my own direction to find what would work best for me. Not just for the short term but for a whole life of balanced health. And not just for me but for my family. If I can stop them from dealing with obesity, frightening diseases and nurture them to excellent health, it's worth the ups and downs. It's worth walking the path alone sometimes.

I'm starting the ONE3ONE Diet on Monday, January 1st. Not a new start but an evolution of where I started. Knowledge is power and the more I know, the more I realize I have so much to learn. This program is based on the research Chalene Johnson has done over many years of interviewing experts and, as one of her loyal followers for many years, I trust she has put all the pieces together. This nutritional plan isn't about weight loss, which is obviously a perk, it's about healing the gut, balancing hormones and improving metabolism. I truly believe my former calorie restrictive diet damaged me in many, many ways but it particularly wrecked my metabolism. It is so sluggish - I have to fix that.

I plan to share my ONE3ONE Diet experience here as accountability and to give insight to those of you who are interested but don't quite understand what it's all about. I hope you'll follow along!

In just over a year, I will be 40. I plan to enter the best years of my life being the best version of me. January 1st, 2018 - you will be my most important anniversary date ever.

A Long Fast Post

It's been a while since I wrote a blog post. Partially because I was really busy over the last 5 months but mostly it was because I was struggling with maintaining my weight. I was unmotivated, uninspired, trying all the things that were "supposed" to work but nothing was working. My weight was creeping up (back to 203lbs) and the fear I had from the moment I started Weight Watchers again was coming true. I was gaining the weight back again just like I had the other 4 times.

Everything worked pretty well for the first 7 months or so but I was having a lot of new health problems: I was cold all the time, I was having horrible heart palpitations, my anxiety was the worst it had been in a long time, I was losing hair more than usual and I found out I was anemic. I just assumed all of this was weight loss related. I found out later it definitely was but it had more to do about the way I lost weight.

After 8 months of losing weight pretty consistently, I plateaued. I was eating around 1100 calories a day (I cross tracked with My Fitness Pal to see where I was at) and I was doing hard core exercise every day. The scale wouldn't budge. The advice I got was to switch things up by calorie cycling and carb cycling. I was told to do more cardio... I was told it will eventually break but it didn't. But now I was more frustrated, more exhausted and I felt like it was all my fault.

Fast forward to June when my friend suggested I read a book called The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss by Dr. Jason Fung. I am always happy to read health related books. I love learning different ideas when it comes to figuring out how to be the healthiest version of me.

I started reading the book that night and stayed up until 2am reading it. I was relieved, pissed, excited and validated.... The most important take away - the reason I got fat was NOT my fault. It was because of insulin resistance. It was a hormonal issue and no amount of exercise and calorie restricting was going to keep the weight off. I had to address the insulin issue.

The second take away... The A-HA moment if you will... my anemia, anxiety, hair loss, palpitations, etc. were all due to having restricted my calories so much. When your body is used to having a certain amount of fuel and then all of a sudden is deprived of that same amount of fuel, it has to turn down your metabolism so you don't die. What does that mean... well my hair couldn't grow the same, my heart wasn't pumping the same, I was cold because my body didn't have enough energy to keep itself warm, I wasn't making the same amount of red blood cells, and so on. My metabolism was shot hence the plateau and all the other issues.

The third take away, intermittent fasting allows your insulin to go down and helps to reverse insulin resistance. I had heard of the F word for about three years via podcasts like The Fat Burning Man and The Chalene Show. It was something I just dabbled in a few times a week but never really talked about much. Did you know people freak out when you say you aren't eating? Yeah, they lose their shit. And don't even suggest that they should think about fasting. That really gets people out with pitchforks... It's not pretty.

But here's the thing. Fasting is OLD news. Jesus, Buddha, so many others... all the biggies talked about fasting because they knew of its benefits: clarity, energy, euphoria... They wanted their followers to do it because they knew it was essential to health and well being.

You know what's a NEW fad? Eating every two hours, nibbling on processed garbage. That's only about 50 years old. And when did humans who ate this way started getting fat? Yup. Right around that same time. Humans were not meant to eat all the time! In hunter/gatherer societies, food wasn't always available but when it was, it was time to feast. But feast was always followed by fast because there wasn't always food available. But the human body is a marvel. It takes energy in the form of glucose and stores it as fat so when we don't have food, it burns the STORED FAT by turning it into glucose or energy. See? But now that people are constantly eating, their body just burns the easiest available glucose which comes in all day long through food. We don't have opportunities to burn that stored fat. UNLESS WE FAST.

After reading the book, I immediately started intermittent fasting and eating a low carb high fat diet. It had been drilled into my head (although I never bought it) that healthy fats should be avoided because they were SO high in calories. Now that I've changed my diet to incorporate less processed garbage and more healthy fats... I don't get hungry. I don't binge eat and I feel less bloated.

But for me, the magic happens in my fasting. As a compulsive overeater, when I was calorie restricting for weight loss, I was hungry all the time, I would binge eat multiple times a week and I felt constant guilt for being such a failure when I did binge. It was no way to live but I didn't have a choice because these were the only options available to you when you wanted to lose weight: exercise lots and eat less.

Fasting has given me power over food. I started by omitting breakfast a few more times a week and then eventually switched over to 20 hour fasts every few days. (Essentially just skipping breakfast and lunch every second day.) Not eating is so much easier than eating in moderation for me. I was never very good at moderation especially with carbs. I was an addict and I just couldn't stop. As another reader of The Obesity Code said: "Food used to be my master but now it is my servant." This. It's exactly this. And I can't believe I can say that after 30 years of struggling with my weight.

After one month of a low carb high fat diet and intermittent fasting, I lost just over 8 lbs, broke my plateau, started feeling healthier again, my anxiety improved and I felt like for the first time in my life, I had found the key to tackling my food addiction. And I had no more guilt when I ate. When you have skipped two meals, you don't feel bad for enjoying a large, healthy meal. It is well deserved and it's brought enjoyment back to eating. No guilt, no counting, no obsessing... FREEDOM.

I don't talk to most people about my new healthy lifestyle because many people are scared of this fasting idea. I get it! Our first instinct as a human is to find food and eat it. It's one of our primary instincts. So when you tell someone not to eat - it freaks them out! In ancient cultures, when you found food, you ate a lot of it because you didn't know when it would be coming around again. But the problem is that we are still thinking this way but we have access to food 24 hours a day. We can't eat all day long. Because.... pssstttt... it's making us all fat! We need to take breaks from eating. Somewhere in the late 70s people started eating snacks every few hours. Before that, people just ate their 3 squares a day. Heck - even that's fasting! If people could even just do that it would likely help with some of the obesity issue.

I've since learned that there is some very promising research to suggest that a 7 day water fast once a year could potentially reduce your cancer risk and there is some talk that the autophagy process could even help prevent diseases like Alzheimers. I get so excited by this kind of info!

At the end of the day, food companies, diet companies and the pharmaceutical industry don't like fasting. Why? Because it doesn't make money!!!! People not eating, getting healthier and losing weight doesn't put cash in the pockets of these three HUGE money making industries. So they'll tell you all day long that it is bad for you, it doesn't work, it's a FAD. But luckily, you have the opportunity to do research for yourself. Read books, listen to podcasts, see how it works for others. That last one is a biggie! I follow many Facebook pages about this subject and what I'm seeing is absolutely amazing. People getting off meds, doctors completely shocked by changes in their patients, weight loss, clarity, skin tags disappearing, skin tightening... the list goes on.

I share my journey in hopes that I can help other people see their options so they can make an informed decision for themselves. Don't believe everything you hear. On any side of the story! Maybe dieting works for you. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe fasting works for you. Maybe it doesn't. But don't ever give up the fight and keep looking for the right fit for you. Maybe it's a little of column A and a little of column B.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally found my fit.

I Have Embraced

When I met with my therapist last week, she reminded me that what other people think of my body doesn't matter. I just need to worry about how much I love myself because that is what will carry me through. Right until the end. So here is a love letter to my body.

You came into this world loving yourself because babies and children don't know shame. They don't see size, colour and shape, they see deeper than that. They see heart, soul, love, compassion, fear, pain, honesty. At some point, around 8 years old, you started to question your value because you turned to food for comfort. All of sudden being yourself was painful and you filled that void with food. It provided a protective layer that made you invisible.

In your teens, your athletic shape made you feel fat. Even though at 5'9' you were only 155 lbs, those curvy breasts and stretched marked thighs made you feel less than. I wish I could go back in time and shake you to remind you how completely beautiful and strong you were.

Around 16, food became a huge comfort again. You gained over 100 lbs in the matter of 3 or 4 years, you were at your heaviest weight. You had been oinked at in bars, and ignored by most boys and eventually men because while you were smart, articulate and so freaking funny, You were fat. That's all you were and that's all you felt you were worth.

One day, a beautiful man loved your body and fell in love with you, every part of you. The outsides and the insides. Every day he tells you how beautiful you are but most days you don't see it. You are lucky this man is the father of your children and your partner for life.

You brought two children into this world. You got stretch marks, saggy boobs, cellulite, strange new medical issues but you got two humans. TWO HUMANS. Two perfectly imperfect beings who love you no matter how bad your breath is or how flabby your arms are. All they care about is that your lips kiss their forheads at night and that your arms comfort them when their hearts are broken. They love your boobs and tell you every day. (for real... they are obsessed. LOL) But why wouldn't they love them? Those two fleshy bits have fed them and comforted them. They love your scent because it's a mixture of your skin, Dove bar soap and likely garlic. Because you eat a lot of garlic.

You have transformed so much this year. You have curves where you didn't before. You run. Period. Considering a two minute run used to be hard, this is pretty much revolutionary to you. You can hold a plank for 1 minute. Your mind is strong, full of ideas, words, feelings, concerns. And so creative. You do SO much.

And for so many years, like a little child, you tugged at me and said "I'm here. Please take care of me." And I wanted to. I wanted to so badly but I was stuck and I wasn't ready. Finally your pleas got louder and I couldn't ignore them anymore. Sore back, no sleep, exhaustion, mood swings, depression and anxiety. You sent an SOS and I FINALLY heard it.

I'm sorry I hurt you for so long. I was hurt and lost but I think finally we are both on the same page. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you at 197 lbs and I will love you at whatever weight you are because you got me here. And that's why every night, I never forget to name you, my body, as one of my most important gratitudes. You have never failed me and I will always love you for that.

Love,
Me

Getting Unstuck

I saw my therapist today. If you think once you've lost weight all your problems go away, wrong! 😂  I never for a minute thought that but since hitting my goal weight, it's been rocky. I knew I needed to talk to someone about all of the feelings.

We talked about a lot of things surrounding my weight loss journey. I told her about being body shamed at the scale on goal day and that that I may have rocked the boat about the need for a bit more sensitivity at the scales. She said that I was a pioneer, challenging the status quo. Ugh... I told her it was a role I wan't looking for and a role I wasn't really comfortable taking on.

I also told her about my social media following and how I used it for accountability but that I also found comfort in knowing others were going through similar struggles. I talked about how losing my protective fat layer has left me feeling naked and vulnerable. Because if people don't like me now, it's not because I'm fat but because they don't like my personality. Ouch!

Here are some of the main themes that came up:

• I pull way too much value from what other people think of me and feel I'm only worthy if praise is coming from others. Yeah... this has been my since as long as I can remember. A good girl is a loved girl and love means I'm okay!
  
• I need to start loving myself more and not finding my worth from what other people think of me.
  
• If I'm a true leader, I will keep negative comments on my posts and deal with them with respect by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way and good luck with your journey." These negative people are dealing with their own major issues and I should treat them compassionately and FORGIVE them. Ugh... sounds horrible. lol I know this is so true. I need to live it.
  
• I absorb way too much of other people's energy because I think that I need to fix everybody else's problems. I need to stay in my own hula hoop. If I respect other people, I should respect that they can take care of their own shit. I am responsible TO people but not FOR people.
  
• I don't have to keep myself off social media but I need to understand that it's not where I should pull my self worth. Noted.
  
• I explained to her that I realized at what point food became my drug. Somewhere around age 8. She encouraged me to talk to the little girl and remind her why she is special. It's pretty simple... "Little Nat - you're good enough. You've always been good enough and you will always be good enough. You have a beautiful soul,  you are loving and an intelligent girl and you should love the person you are and the woman you will become."

My thoughts on therapy: therapy is not for f*cked up people. Therapy is for anyone who wants to get unstuck. I love Chalene Johnson and as a business coach she requires her students to get therapy because it makes them better entrepreneurs. Why would you not get help to unstick yourself? Who doesn't want to be better? 

Anyway, I feel so much better. I always say that when you feel emotionally constipated, you should go to therapy because it's much like having a huge emotional dump. Crude but true. It feels soooo good! And I am and will always be a work in progress. One thing I have learned as I get older: the older I get, the more I realize I know NOTHING!

Does any of this resonate for anyone else? I'm guessing that many of us compulsive overeaters deal with many of these themes. Do you like therapy?

Know Your Normal

I'd be lying if I said things have been peachy lately. I've been struggling with my mood, anxiety, back issues, odd food choices (craving more carbs), energy and my usual sparkly spirit feels slightly dulled lately. Truthfully, before I decided to take my health very seriously last year, that's pretty much how I felt all the time and just thought that was my normal. But once I started to feel healthy, happy and fit again, I realised that I had a new normal and became quite aware when something wasn't clicking.

Well something in the last month has definitely NOT been clicking. I've been just so off and I had no idea why until my doctor's office called me on Friday.

Since the middle of January, I have felt lethargic, filled with anxiety, having increased heart palpitations with chest pain and breathlessness, dizziness, moody, trouble swallowing - just really off. I chalked it up to anxiety from the build up of stress I've had in my life in the last few months but I didn't really feel that stressed. At least not more than usual. Luckily I had a doctor's appointment scheduled in January and had her check my blood work after I told her how my heart palpitations were getting worse, especially when I ran.

Last Friday I got a call from her office and her receptionist gave me a message from her telling me that I was pretty anaemic and needed to start taking an iron supplement immediately. I know it sounds crazy but I was so relieved. Maybe this has been the reason for the shift in my normal. Immediately I thought this might be the reason for my heart palpitations but as I read the list of symptoms related to anaemia, I could check off each one:

• extreme fatigue
• feeling lethargic
• anxiety
• cold extremities
• tingling extremities
• chest pain
• heart palpitations
• dizziness
• difficulty swallowing
• moody
• brittle nails
• hair loss

Yup. I have every single symptom. But I never thought I could group them all together like that and to my surprise, anaemia causes every single symptom.

I have started taking supplements and I sure hope the symptoms lessen sooner than later. My anxiety has been through the roof because I've been feeling so bad and worrying about what it could all mean. But low iron also causes anxiety... Obviously! My body is freaking out because it can't get enough oxygen. I'd be freaking out too! I realize now that as a frequent blood donor and as a woman who probably has a pretty heavy period, my poor body had no red blood cells left.

I've been just barely maintaining my weight. With this feeling of being lethargic and anxious, all I want to do is eat all the carbs because my brain says "that makes me feel happy and satisfied". I made myself two bowls of homemade mac and cheese the other day. Hadn't done that in a very long time! I haven't been counting points since I started maintenance but I think I needed the mental break from it. Luckily, the changes I've made this year do help me keep things pretty in check. I may have mac and cheese one day but I can reign it in pretty quickly to get back on track when I need to.

But all this just proves something very important to me. When you feel good and take care of your body, you are way more capable of understanding when something isn't right. I knew there was something strange going on with my body. I didn't know what it was but I knew it wasn't in my head. Once you find your "new normal" and understand how your body is when it's at its best, you know pretty darn quickly when something is not working. Be an advocate for your health. Know your body and know when to ask for help.

Please pray for me and send me healthy vibes that the iron helps restore me to the bubbly, healthy and happy person I used to be. I haven't been posting on social media much because I find that I am very irritable and any negative remarks or comments puts me right over the edge. I need to balance myself a little here while I figure all of this out. I need to find my normal again.

Peace to all of you beautiful people xoxoxo

Nat