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| Holding 50lbs of potatoes because I couldn't carry 60! |
I'm elated that the scale is moving in the right direction again - I think that had a lot to do with my breakdown/breakthrough which I posted about last week. I think another important breakthrough came this week when I gave myself permission to eat mindfully and not just stick to what I had planned and to those foods I deemed "acceptable" to eat.
Hold On Guys! She's Stressed!
I know I'm on Weight Watchers and we can eat "whatever we want" but for the most part, I've been sticking to foods that usually fall into certain categories. This week, I got rid of the food categories and listened to what my body wanted and needed. I went over my weeklies, as I have in the last 4-5 weeks, but I still managed to lose 2 lbs. Why did I do so well? I think I know the answer:It's not always the food we put in our mouths that stops us from losing. There is something going on in our heads that makes our bodies tense up which I truly believe makes them hold on to those calories and fat cells for dear life.
By eating mindfully this week, I was able to relax and rid myself of the guilt I normally feel when I eat foods outside of my norm. When I was hungry at 11am one evening, I asked myself: "Are you really hungry?" My body was like "I could eat a brontosaurus burger right now." Okay, duly noted. So I went downstairs, had a small bowl of leftover noodles. I felt satisfied, calm and not guilty in the least. I ate until I felt less grumbly in the tumbly and went back to bed. NO REGRETS. It seriously felt like my body had let out a sigh of relief... "Phew... I ate and she didn't make me feel bad about it." THAT SIGH WAS MY BODY REMOVING A ROAD BLOCK. Guaranteed! I could physically feel a release.
The Pregnancy Theory
You know what it's like when a woman is trying so hard to get pregnant and it just isn't working. She times her ovulation, checks her temperature, makes sure her husband is wearing boxers so his goods don't get too hot (I know this all from first hand experience with infertility). Yet the pregnancy doesn't show up. Months go by and she's getting more anxious, more frustrated, more emotional. And it still doesn't come.Then one night, her and her husband have a few too many tequila shots in Mexico and wham bam thank you ma'am, she's knocked up. Why? No hang ups. No expectations. No stress. No regrets. (Obviously some people have medical reasons they can't get pregnant but sometimes it is just anxiety and stress. I think this may be one of the reasons I had secondary infertility for years and needed interventions the second time around.)
Perfect Points
I see some people so stressed about counting their points perfectly and pointing out every time someone misses a point here or there. I can just feel the anxiety and tension. I think the points are a great way to be mindful of our food but being crazy obsessed about counting perfectly is going to create huge anxiety and it will be just like the lady trying to get pregnant. The body will just not cooperate under those conditions. It's sensing the fight or flight response and it's going to hold on for dear life to everything it's got! Those are just some things I'm observing as I'm going through this, even for myself. Being mindful and accountable is good. Being anxious and perfect might be creating a block.The "P" Word
I've also had quite a few people assure me that a plateau is on its way. For good reason! I read somewhere that around the 6-month mark of a weight loss journey, plateaus are fairly common. I'm almost in my ninth month now but I will not entertain the idea of a plateau. If I tell myself there will be a plateau, you better believe there will be a plateau. I don't even like writing it here. Jinx! I don't want to give the "P" word power over my thoughts.The "T" Word
I also shutter at the word turtle and the idea of describing my weight loss in terms of slow or fast. I look at each loss as a victory. And a quick question...What magic number makes a loss fast or slow anyway? I don't understand these categories. These types of labels are dangerous in my opinion and I will not have them create some mental block for me. If other people want to call themselves turtles, go nuts. Recently, however, I've had a few people put turtles on my posts in relation to my weight loss and I was not very enthused about it. For me, that is a big stop sign in my brain and I will not put it in there. I actually usually scroll by when I see turtle emojis on weight related posts just because it creates this instant anxiety within me. Again, what other people do - fine but I just don't want it infiltrating my head space.
The Rebirth Theory
I watched a documentary the other night called The Sacred Science. It's about a group of people with varying illnesses going to the Amazon in hopes of being healed by shamans. While the plants and herbs they are administering are an important part of the healing, the true breakthroughs come through ceremony and the work these people are doing on themselves sitting in these secluded huts with no access to the outside world. The shaman's most critical job is to help spiritually and emotionally unblock people so they can heal.The shamans in this documentary call disease a "mother" figure because disease always has a way of teaching us about ourselves. The disease is pointing out what we need to change something in our lives in order to restore our health and that "mother figure" will either rebirth us back into this world healthier or rebirth us into another plain - being the afterlife or a different life depending on your beliefs.
I think for me, my obesity is the mother figure. I have to go through all of this hard stuff: losing weight, looking within, crying, breaking down, getting frustrated in order to find the root of my relationship with food. Maybe at the end of this, my own rebirth will be into a new healthy body with a mind that is at peace with food.
All of this blah blahing is me saying, I am finally figuring out that a lot of these thoughts and emotions I had within me were stopping me from moving ahead in this weight loss rollercoaster ride. Not just this time, but throughout my life. I'm doing a lot of work on myself to remove any obstacles that may come my way by reading, watching documentaries, listening to podcasts and looking really deep inside myself to better understand my relationship with food and just how I fit into this life.
The Law Of Attraction - Hello Oprah!
Another exciting little piece of news from today's weigh in... Our Weight Watchers regional manager was at our meeting today and she informed me that she has submitted my name to potentially be on the next Weight Watchers call with OPRAH!!! Oh my gosh!! Part of me is completely in shock while the other part secretly feels like it was meant to be. Just a bit. Here's why!Since I heard my first Oprah call, I think it was in February, I've been secretly having conversations in my head like I was on a call with Oprah. I imagine her asking me about my journey, what breakthroughs I've had, any tips, etc. I've been replaying these images in my head for 8 months. I feel like I attracted this into my life! I am a HUGE believer in the law of attraction and I even told a friend in February "I plan to talk to Oprah one day." Could it be that this will happen? My heart will burst with love and gratitude if it does. I may die!
All This Means What Now?
I feel like our thoughts, good or bad, really become the architects of our destinies. What we focus our attention on really ends up showing up in our lives. We must really look within ourselves to see what we our directing our attention on and see how it's impacting us.
Glad to have a space to share all my brain work. Bahaha!! I feel bad for anyone who gets trapped into reading my ramblings. But I do appreciate you so much. Because I know you get it. <3
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