The Year I Chose Me

It's been one year since I restarted Weight Watchers. For the billionth time. The truth is, if I stick to the plan, it works. Plain and simple. The problem is, I've never stuck to it for more than 6 months but for some reason, this time was different.

January 12, 2016 vs January 12, 2017

My "Why"

We had a few tough years in our home. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and died within 9 months. My husband and I weren't really happy with our jobs at the time. And with two of us being food addicts and emotional eaters, it wasn't pretty. We both gained quite a bit of weight. I was tipping the scale at almost 260 lbs and I was in pain. I had a herniated disc that was getting worse as the weight accumulated and, for almost a year, I hadn't had a decent night's sleep. I would toss and turn back and forth from one side to the other hoping the pain would disappear. I was exhausted. Walking up the stairs killed my knees and just walking in general had become uncomfortable.

But it was the picture. That dreaded picture that someone else posted on Facebook that made me crumble inside. I looked huge and couldn't believe what I saw. This was in November 2015. It was taken on a shoot for a documentary I was writing. After I saw it I vowed I would not attend the premiere of it looking like that and feeling the way I felt.

After Christmas, which was a food fest of epic proportions, I had the worse pain at night that I had had in a long time. My rib cage was sore all around and my back was hating me too. THIS HAD TO STOP. I was 36 and I felt like a frail and broken person.

January 12, 2016 my life changed when I walked back into Weight Watchers.

Getting Back on the Program

Just walking into my first meeting, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I don't know why but I just knew I was home and that if I did the work, asked for help and stuck to it, my life would vastly improve. I was so happy to see my mom's best friend, or as I call her, Mom 2.0. at our Winnipeg meeting. I had no idea she would be there so it was nice to have a familiar face.

Weight Watchers Game Changer

I'm going to get a little "ranty" here but hear me out. When I looked over the new "smart points" material on my first day and saw that carbs, protein and sugar were added to the points calculations, I said to myself "FINALLY!!!" I could never understand how sugar wasn't in the equation in the past! It seemed so utterly ridiculous to me when I had done previous programs like points plus. I knew this would be the game changer for me.

After joining, I heard so many people crying online about how they hated smart points and wanted to go back to points plus or flex points or whatever it was last. "But I can't eat all my favourite treats now. They are so high in points." Um... sorry but duh. That's the point. Weight Watchers finally clued in that having a high fibre, sugary granola bar for 3pts is not equal to having 4 ounces of chicken for 3 points. The new points system gently nudged people to eating clean, nutrient dense foods instead of processed, sugary crap. Plain and simple. You want to get better for life? This is what is going to do it for you. Not cramming in as many 100 cal bags of chips as you can.

*rant over*

My Mantra

When I started I knew I couldn't look at the big picture because the though of losing 80 to 100 lbs seemed impossible. So from the beginning my mantra became:

My goals were also chopped up into small morsels. I focused on getting my 5% charm, my 10% charm, my 25 lb charm, my 50 lb charm and so on. (75 lbs... I'm coming for you!)

Some days my goal was just to get to the next meal without bingeing or losing control. But that's what helped me most.

The Little Things Add Up

Here is a list of things that have helped me along the way:

• Start moving right away. I was 257 lbs when I walked to the pool deck for my aquafit class last January but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I felt like the fattest person around but I went to those classes every week, 3 times a week and those people supported me and watched me shrink. I am forever grateful for meeting such sweet people in that pool. Most of them over 60. But they always had such wisdom to share and big smiles for me.
  
• Track every single bite and don't stop. I went 200+ days of tracking straight, never stopping and then decided to eat mindfully on vacation in September and not track. Well I did fine. Only gained a pound while at Disney World but it was just after that time that my plateau started. Coincidence? Non... Je ne pense pas!
  
  
• Track but don't make yourself crazy. There are a few people I have encountered on Weight Watchers who are so scared to calculate a point wrong they get frantic. First of all RELAX! Being a perfect calculator of points won't make you lose more or less weight. The magic comes more in the keeping track and being accountable. Just do your best to find the closest calculations and you will be fine. I promise! Just track as best as you can!
  
• Water, Water, Water. And then more water. Whether it's with crystal light, tea or plain, just get it down your throat. It really makes a difference in how much you lose. I am a bit of a Coke Zero fan and my rule is, if I want a glass, I need to guzzle a glass or water first.
  
• Post on Connect as much as humanly possible. Instagram works too! My online community support and accountability was 75% of the reason I was successful this year. Hands down! I shared almost all my meals through photos and all of my nervous breakdowns through irrational, sappy posts. And yes, there were many.
  
• Get naked. I'm mean this both literally and figuratively. Take undie pics of yourself when you start. You might hate them on day 1 but you will thank yourself on day 40, day 150 and day 356. Having comparison shots is everything! But also get naked by being vulnerable. It's the scariest shit you can do but man, does it ever fill your heart when you realize how your struggles help others to know they aren't alone. But also that you aren't alone either.
  
• Don't Compare. This is so hard to do but people lose weight at such different rates for such different reasons. People who have more to lose might lose more quickly. Women over forty might lose more slowly because metabolism slows down as we get older. Men lose more quickly than women much of the time (and we have to have babies. Don't even get me started on how unfair that crap is!)
  
• Don't Hide Your Journey. I know so many people hide that they are on weight loss programs. And maybe for some it's necessary if there are toxic people in their lives that will sabotage them. For me, telling people about how hard battling my weight is feels more like relief. They finally understand that this is an addiction for me and I'm not just lazy and unmotivated. Food is like a drug and as I explain how hard weight loss is for me to sustain, I get more understanding than anything. There was a time in my life where I hid my pain and the emotional turmoil I was going through. I lost most of my friends during that time because I shut people out but I also gained 100 lbs in my late teens because of the secrets. It took me until this year to lose most of it, 17 years later.
  
• Find your soulmate workout. For me, I must move my body every single day. It helps my mood, weight loss and improves my eating. A soulmate workout is the workout you love to do even on the days when you can't fathom working out. Mine is "Cise" from Beachbody. It's hip hop dance and it's so fun! It's still challenging but it feels like a dance party instead. I also love walking outside.
  
• Help others succeed. Wow... I can't stress this enough. This doesn't mean be a know-it-all and give unsolicited advice to every heavy person you know. Definitely not. We all roll our eyes at those people. It means telling your friend on Connect that you are proud of her going to her first spin class. It's giving your struggling meeting buddy a hug at Weight Watchers. It's taking your pal out to her favourite point-friendly restaurant so you can talk workouts and point-friendly food all lunch long. (Leah, I'm looking at you). And wow, if you are at goal and you can, work with Weight Watchers! What a great way to keep you in check and how beautiful to help other people get healthy and happy. Service is an endless gift that makes you better and other people better.
  
  
• Plateaus might happen. I hope for you they don't but if they do, don't do like me. LOL I was so mad when I continued to do the things that worked and the scale wouldn't budge. Then I tried difference things to see if it would budge but it didn't. UGH!! So frustrating. But what my ever-so-smart weight watchers friends told me was true. When your body is ready to keep going, it will. You just have to keep doing your best and ride it out. YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT!!
  
  
• Don't give unsolicited advice. I know it's easy to tell everyone how to lose weight once you're on a roll but don't do it unless someone specifically asks. I am very careful not to share my opinions or ideas with people unless they ask first. Sometimes people need to vent without having a list of solutions thrown at them. Most of us know what to do but we just want to be heard and understood.
  
  
• Some people are assholes. This is true in all facets of life but they can come out in droves when you are feeling good about yourself and finding something that works. Saboteurs will be everywhere: in your family, at work, within your friends and heck, I've even had some through the Weight Watchers community. Don't let them get in your head! I had one member on Connect tell me that maybe I should just stick to posting to Instagram. I blocked her and posted on Connect even more. Thanks, hun! Mwah. Another told me I was an idiot for describing my journey the way I did. Blocked him too. I ain't got room for haters!
  
• Educate yourself. Last year wasn't just about learning Weight Watchers and sticking to it. For a few years now, I've done a lot of personal development reading, listening to food/nutrition related podcasts and documentaries and absorbing as much as I can about fitness and physical/spiritual health. It's changed me but has also given me the tools to make better choices for me. This life is so short. I want to learn how to live it the best way I can.
  
• Practice Gratitude. A few years ago, I also started to practice gratitude every day. Not just at night but in the moment as well. Did you ever happen to really stop and look at a sunrise? Like really stop what you're doing and bask in its utter beauty? In those moments, stop and say thank you. Thank you to God, the Universe, your mom.... Just thanks someone. When you realize how blessed you are every day, you can't help but feel good. And when you start to feel grateful, you will attract even more abundance into your life. My life changed when I started this. Yours will too.

Beyond The Scale

Yes I lost 62 lbs last year which was AMAZING but what I gained beyond the scale was what left the most impact on my heart and spirit. Here's a list of amazing things I never thought I'd be able to do but I did:

• Ran 5k under 37 minutes
• Ran my first 5K race. Read about that here.
• Wrote a documentary and spoke at the screening event
• Did my first spin class
• Went on all the scary rides at Disney World. Read about that here.
• Can easily do pushups on my toes
• Rid myself of most of my back pain
• Learned to take work that would fuel me
• Learned to say no a lot more
• Started my 4th blog?!? I can't  remember how many I've had over the last 12 years but that's about right. Oddly enough, my first blog was all about my second time joining Weight Watchers 10 years ago. 
• Had a huge epiphany about my food addiction. Read about it here.
• I met soulmates over the Internet. People who shared my battle and struggles, who without even knowing me in person, lifted me up and cheered me along the way. I think as people, our strongest urge is to connect with other beings, especially those who understand what we are going through. My friendships through Connect and Instagram have been the fuel to my fire this year. So thanks all of you who were part of the ride. I have some pretty exciting news coming up in regards to my Weight Watchers journey. I can't wait to share it all with you soon!

My Best Year... So Far!

The year 2016 will be one I will always remember as the year I was most proud of me. As selfish as it sounds to put yourself first, especially when you are a wife and mom, it is the least selfish thing you can do. When I decided to make myself better, it made me a better wife, a better mom, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend and a better person. 

When you lose weight, the first thing people say is "wow, you must feel like a new person." But that's not really what it is. I think I just uncovered more of the REAL me. And I'm glad I did.

Creamy Chicken Chili Soup - A Happy Mistake

I love, love a good white bean, creamy chicken chili but I needed to find a recipe that would be point friendly and Instant Pot friendly. After looking over a few recipes, I decided to make up my own. However, instead of making a creamy chicken chili, I had too much liquid in my Instant pot and I ended up with a Creamy Chicken Chili Soup. BUT IT WAS AMAZING!!!

Here is the recipe:

CREAMY CHICKEN CHILI SOUP

Yields: 8 servings
Smart Points per serving: 6sp

Ingredients:

3 chicken breasts
1 tsp olive oil
1/2 onion, diced
2 tsp garlic, minced
2 tsp cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp cayenne powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1 can Romano beans, rinsed
3 cups chicken broth
8oz light cream cheese

Garnish:

Avocado slices
Jalapeño pepper, chopped
Cilantro, chopped
Tortilla strips

Method:

1. In your Instant Pot, use the sauté setting to cook your onion and garlic in the olive oil. Cook for about 5 minutes until the onions are translucent. Add all of your spices into the pot and stir. Let cook for a minute until fragrant.

2. Add the remaining ingredients starting with the chicken, beans, stock and top with cream cheese. Cook the soup for 15 on high pressure using the chili/soup setting. Then use NPR for 15 minutes. Once the 15 minutes are up, use QR to let the remainder of the steam escape.

3. Once the steam has been released, remove the chicken and shred. Using a whisk, you'll want to break down the bits of cream cheese until the soup is creamy and smooth. If you find your soup is too runny at this point, you could make a slurry with a tbsp of cornstarch and a bit of water and add it to the soup. Put your shredded chicken back in and stir. Let thicken for a few minutes on the warming setting.

4. Garnish with fresh avocado, jalapeño, ground pepper, tortilla strips and cilantro. You could also use some Sriracha to add more heat to the soup. I don't like making anything too spicy because my little guy doesn't like spicy food. We just adjust our own portions to taste.

This soup is creamy, cheesy, warm and feels so indulgent.

Everyone in the family love it plus it has lots of protein to keep you full. Big WINNER!

Snack Attack!

Quick... you have this sudden urge to snack but you're on Weight Watchers and you can't just eat a bag of chips anymore. What do you do? You ask your pal Nat for her all-time favourite Weight Watchers friendly snacks, of course! Here's my list:

Boom Chicka Pop

My favourite snack! Light, tender, perfectly salted kernels of popcorn. And only 1 sp per cup! You can find it at Costco, Sobeys, Superstore... Most places have it. Just make sure it's the lightly salted. The kettle corn is way higher!

Laughing Cow Cheese

These are so versatile on crackers, on their own with fruit... I will spread one wedge over two Ryvita Crackers for 3sp. Sometimes I'll put salsa on top of that. Yum! Most wedges are 1sp each.

Ryvita Crispbreads
These rye crackers are kind of dry but when topped with cheese or peanut butter, you can't go wrong for 1 sp for a big cracker. I usually have 2 with some Laughing Cow Cheese.

PB2

PB2 is a dehydrated peanut butter powder in which some of the fat is extracted making it really low in points. You can have 2 tbsp of the powder for 1sp. I reconstitute it with water and have it with fruit. I also like mixing it with 95% light Cool Whip as a topping for fruit. So good! Most health food stores like GNC carry it.

Kraft Whipped Peanut Butter and Dip

Sometimes you just need the "real deal" peanut butter. Kraft Whipped Peanut Butter is 2sp for 1 tbsp. I will have this on my toast in the morning with banana or as a dip for apples. A good hit of protein, too.

Veggie Straws

These are controversial. Only because I'm addicted to them. 😜  I actually don't have them in my house anymore because I can't stop. But they do satisfy that salty, fatty, crunchy craving when it arises, if you can stop at just one portion. You can have 34 Veggie Straws for 4 sp. Most stores, including Costco, sell them.

Frozen Fruit
I especially love frozen cherries. As long as they aren't blended into a smoothy or have sugar added, frozen fruit are 0 smart points. I will slightly warm berries or cherries in the microwave and then top with Cool Whip or mix them up with Jello Mousse Cups or Jello Pudding which are 2sp each.

Jell-o Fat-Free Pudding Cups
These come in various flavours but also in mousse form. They are 2 sp each and you can find them in the refrigerator sections at most stores. The chocolate mousse mixed with frozen cherries and topped with 95% Fat Free Cool Whip is like black forest cake. For Realz!

Yours Naturally Turkey Pepperettes
You can find these tasty pepperettes at Costco and they are 1sp each. I find if I'm really hungry, protein is always the snack of choice. It keeps you full longer!

34 Degrees Crisps

These are thin little wafer-like crisps that I picked up at Costco (available at other stores too). I think the idea of these is they are a great vehicle (low cal/low fat vehicle) to hold other yummy toppings like Laughing Cow Cheese, salsa, cream cheese, lox, etc. You can have 9 crackers for 1sp!! Nice!

Hard Boiled Eggs
We are big egg fans in our house and now that we have the Instant Pot Duo-60, we can make our hard boiled in eggs in way less time and keep them in the fridge. Eggs are 2sp and packed with so many amazing vitamins and nutrients. Go eggs!!

WARNING

When it comes to snacking, you need to know what your trigger foods are. At our meeting today, one of the ladies was saying how if you like chips, just get the individual 100 calorie packs. If you aren't a crunchy, salty, fatty addict like I am, that's a perfectly reasonable idea. HOWEVER.... if you know that you won't just have one pack but maybe 6, don't put those foods in your house. Believe me, it's not worth the temptation. I can have Boom Chicka Pop popcorn in my house because I can have my 4 cups and stop there. I can't do the same for Veggie Straws. Be honest with yourself and know your limits.

What are you snacking on?

Break Your Fast!

With so many new people starting Weight Watchers, I thought I would share a list of foods I regularly eat for breakfast. (I'll do snacks, lunch and dinner in other posts) It took me quite a few months to find my rhythm but how I eat now has become quite automatic which is good because I don't have to think too hard. Who needs thinking too hard?

Start the day off right!

Here is a list of foods I always have on hand for breakfast. I'll add a few other things that I know my fellow Weight Watchers friends also eat to complete the list. Keep in mind, I'm shopping in Canada.

Lou's Back Bacon

Found at Superstore and Walmart. 2sp for 5 pieces. I only have one for breakfast so it is 0 points. Winning!! This back bacon gets nice and crispy and has a nice flavour.

Little Big Bread

This bread is made right here in Canada and is a low calorie sprouted bread. You can have 2 slices for 3sp or 1 slice for 1sp. I eat it with eggs, pb, grilled cheese sandwiches. It's great. Flavour is awesome too!

Laughing Cow Cheese

I use this spread on Little Big Bread or Ryvita Crackers as a snack but I eat it on the Nat Special every day. You can find out more about my fave breakfast here. Most wedges are 1sp each but check to make sure. They vary.

Eggs
The most perfect food in the world. If you don't believe me, read this. Eggs are the best protein to have on hand - especially in hard boiled form for snacks. You can make them so quickly if you have an Instant Pot Duo-60 I got for Christmas. Yay!! BEST TOY EVER!! (I will be posting way more about the Instant Pot soon). But for breakfast, I just fry mine in a smidge of butter or without. But mostly with. :D A little fat won't kill ya! Eggs are 2 sp each. Many people will also have egg whites on hands which you can add to omelettes and to bulk up a regular egg without adding points.

Also, my friend has a farm and I usually get eggs from her. I'm an egg snob!

Oats in a Jar

I actually don't eat these as a breakfast but save them in the fridge for snacks but other people love them for both. Here is just one combination but you can do anything you'd like. I describe it as more of a cereal than an oatmeal. I think that's why I like it! Just interchange the fruit, add cocoa powder, PB2, etc. Fun! Here are the basics:

1/4 cup skyr greek yogurt (President's Choice brand from Superstore) (1sp)
1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk (0 sp)
1/4 cup steel cut oats (4 sp)
Fruit of choice: banana, berries, cooked pureed pumpkin, etc.
Other flavours: vanilla, spices like cinnamon, cocoa powder, PB2, etc.

Mix it all up in a mason jar and let chill overnight in the fridge. Stir it up in the morning and enjoy!



Veggies
I used to make a deconstructed omelette for breakfast before I started making the Nat special. I basically sautéed a bunch of veggies in a bit of olive oil and served it with an egg and spicy mayo on top. A nice low-carb meal.

Fruit
I usually have half a banana for breakfast. Why? Because I like it?! I like the balance fruit brings to my breakfasts.

Coffee Creamer
I still use my FULL FAT hazelnut coffee creamer. Since I only have one cup a day usually, I count the 2 smart points and move on. It's worth it for me.

Kodiak Cakes Power Cakes
Kodiak Cakes are a high protein pancake and waffle mix. I'm not a big pancake fan personally but I know a lot of my wwers homies love these because the added protein makes them lower in points and they fill you up really well. Topped with low fat Cool Whip and fruit or PB and banana, a little side of Lou's Back Bacon - you're laughing! You can get Kodiak Cakes at select Costco locations in Canada.


I hope this helps you with your breakfast options. I tend to keep my breakfasts between 4 to 6 smart points so I can enjoy more food later. Ha! 30 smart points a day don't get you very far. You have to be strategic :)

What are your fave breakfasts?

New Year, Old Resolutions

Can you believe another new year is upon us? Just take a whiff of that new year smell... *sniff*... smells like dreams mixed with fear, peppered with possibilities. Or maybe that's Obsession for Men? I don't know what it is exactly but something's brewing!

New Year, Old Resolutions...

I'm in this weird place where last years resolutions didn't fizzle out 1, 2 or 5 months down the line. I made a very important decision to put my health first last year and ya know what? I did it. I prioritized every thing from work to family around my fitness and healthy lifestyle. So there is this sense of accomplishment after having lost 60 ish pounds last year but now there's also this sense of "you mean I got to keep going?" I don't get to enjoy that first-few-months-on-a-new-weight-loss-program high that every other newbie gets in January. At this point, it's old habit. The honeymoon is over. But I still have 20 lbs to lose. And that little thing called maintenance to deal with. Which I will have to do FOREVER. Yipee! (sense the sarcasm? 'Cause it's there.)

One of my pals from Weight Watchers made a good point. Mel suggested that we feed off the "newbies" blood, ugh... I mean enthusiasm, to help give us that turbo boost some of us "old timers" desperately need. But in helping people new to the program, we are in turn helping ourselves. I've noticed people asking me the same old questions I thought I had finished explaining months ago but then I realized, "oh right. These new people have no clue what a bibigo wonton is. Or what a boom chicka pop is. And what the heck is a 'nat special'?" Mwah, ha, ha... Come to the dark side with its creamy laughing cow cheese, jam, back bacon and egg goodness....

While part of me is hitting my head against the wall with the thought of having to answer the same old questions, I'm choosing to look at it as an opportunity to get other people excited about taking their life back. I can do this not only through sharing my story but sharing the tips and tricks that have helped me become so successful. There are no losers when it comes to providing service to others. Help a fellow human and you'll actually feel like a million bucks. Plus your karma blows up! I had an entire other post all about service a few months ago. Check it out here!

I Still Gots Goals!

So remember the time I lost like 60 lbs and then I plateaued for like 3 months... Oh yeah right. That shit is still happening. Boo! But honestly, I'm totally okay with that. I know the scale will move when my body stops having its tantrum. (And if it doesn't shape up soon I'm sending it to boarding school. But that's just between you and me.)

I likely have another 20 ish pounds to lose before I hit goal and have the opportunity to be a Weight Watchers lifetime member. Yay! So close! That 80lbs felt like a mountain when I started last year but I'm almost there. Now just because I'm close to the end, doesn't mean I don't need goals. They are just going to be a bit difference than last year - more spiritually based rather than food/exercise based. I'm in a different place now and for me, the spiritual and mental side needs some TLC.

Here is what I will focus on this year:

HUMILITY

I tend to get a little "Miss-know-it-all" sometimes and a bit, just a tad, defensive. Sometimes. A lot. I know my biggest learning moments will come from those people who push my buttons because they always seem to be the ones that say the things I don't want to hear but need to hear. I will learn to listen, take criticism (better) and learn from others.

PATIENCE

I've learned that you can do all the things and sometimes it's not enough to make your body do what you want it to do. I will hit my goal in 2017 but there is no deadline and that is totally okay. Patience, Natalie. Patience.

GIVING

I try to be a person who helps out whenever the opportunity arises but I'd love to help others find the happiness I have found through a good 2 or 3 years of self-discovery. I think that sharing on my blog, giving solicited advice on Connect and Instagram, perhaps even starting a Youtube Channel with recipes, tips, and a smiling understanding face might be the way I can give back. I've always wanted to be a life coach. Maybe this is how I can do that while helping others become the best versions of themselves?! And it will enrich my last paces towards hitting my goal.

While I thought 2016 would be the year I finally got to my goal weight (which would be the first time in my adult life, by the way), it wasn't the year for that milestone but 2016 brought me so many more amazing gifts. It will be by far one of my most successful years of my life and I will always look back at it with pride and appreciation.

The year I didn't find the NEW me but uncovered the REAL me.

From Invisible to Invincible

First off, I haven't written in a while. I guess I haven't been feeling very prolific, at least when it comes to my own blog. I've been doing quite a bit of writing to bring home the bacon but not so much for filling my soul. I haven't been feeling very prolific in my weight loss blah blah either. I guess that's why I haven't been blogging. Sigh... This plateau thing is really frustrating. It's making it hard to keep my focus. But I'm still in it to win it. Kind of?!?!?

The scale has not been showing me love but there are other ways I've been able to measure my success lately. First, I just took my inches today. I hadn't taken them in a few months. I was happy to see that my upper body trimmed up quite a bit. I lost 2 more inches on my chest and an inch off my waist. My hips and calves stayed the same or got bigger but I think that's my muscles exploding from becoming a runner. Boom! Which leads me to my next big news....

I RAN MY FIRST OFFICIAL 5K!!!!

When I finished the couch to 5k in August, I decided that I would sign up for my first race. I had to do it! I needed to make it official. I signed up for a Halloween fun run. It has been great because it gave me the motivation to keep running as the weather started to cool off. I also knew that I wanted to get one under my belt before the snow fell. In September, I also convinced my friend L to join me. It was her first time too. 5k virgins!!

How did I feel before the race started:
- Excited.
- Worried my heart palps would get the better of me. (they didn't)
- Worried the mucky, slippery limestone trails would make me fall. It had rained the day before. (I was okay)
- Ready to get going!

How I felt during the race:
- Excited to be amongst other runners who looked the part. The run was at night so we had headlamps on. Kind of badass.
- When I started feeling tired and sore, I reminded myself how far I've come and that I could do anything with everything I've pushed myself to do this year.
- Worried that L, who had a chest cold, would feel like she had to push herself more than she could to run with me. She wasn't sure she could go full out with her cold. She was a rockstar.
- Stoked that "Pump Up the Jam" came on at the 3.5 km mark. I was starting to lose steam. It got me going again.

How did I feel after the race:
- Relieved it was over.
- In the last 3 minutes, when I just wanted to quit, I could hear the cheering around the bend and it fuelled me to keep pushing.
- Happy to see my family when we ran across the finish line. So glad my kids could see me achieve something so important to me.
- I felt like if I could do that, I could do anything. ANYTHING!
- Excited to eat my complimentary smokie and s'more. Yeah, I tapped that hard.

I finished with a time of 39:06.

I had an odd moment that night too. L and I wanted to take a pre-race picture so we tapped this lady on the shoulder to see if she could help a girl out. When she turned around, I realized it was someone I had gone to college with. I immediately said "D?" She said "yeah. Wait... I know you. Don't tell me..." Well even after telling her we went to school together, she couldn't remember my name. This was both partially exciting and defeating. Part of me thought it might be because I look very different and she may have not recognized me 30 or 40 lbs lighter (I don't remember what I weighed in college but it was significantly more than now). The other part of me thought "oh, the pretty girl didn't remember the fat girl because the fat girl was invisible." Society has a way of letting us blur in the background. Even some of my closest friends in college can't remember that I majored in journalism and was in most of their classes. Yeah. Invisible. Maybe it was because I didn't really want to be seen. Verdict is out.

The good news is that I've always had a bigger than life spirit even if the fat girl unknowingly created camouflage for it. But now my heart and soul are exploding all over the place. It's impossible not to see me! And I like that. I'm not interested in being invisible anymore.

Every time I check an item off the list of things I thought I'd never do, I know I'm creating a life I can look back on and be proud of. It's not super official yet but there is talk that the production company I wrote a documentary for last year may want me to write, produce and host a cooking show which will potentially air nationally in Canada. It will be a healthy cooking show which I am so excited to talk about. I want to show people how cooking good, nutritious, clean food without the smoke and mirrors (aka fat, sugar, processed crap) actually tastes WAY better. Say What?!?!

When I went to college, my intent was to become a TV news host. I eventually let go of that dream because I didn't think anyone would ever hire the fat girl to be on TV. Maybe my time is coming after all.

Not so invisible anymore.

Every Little Bit Helps

I was dreading going to my weigh in this morning. I knew the scale had be much lower the day before but, due to hormones and just feeling weak and depleted on Monday, I ended up eating a bit more than I planned, all good things, but the scale definitely reflected my extra food. And extra salt. Can I say, it would be awfully nice if the gas stations would carry unsalted, plain nuts for snacking. Why must all gas station nuts be candied or super salted? After my aquafit class yesterday, I was so shaky and weak so I grabbed some nuts after I gassed up to get me back home. Not worth the salt!

A friend of mine texted me this morning, a fellow Weight Watcher and someone who gets the battle... every day... every second. We both had crap days on Monday but we both agreed we'd get through it. As she said about this weight loss battle: "We're gonna kick its stupid ass." Agreed. But I still felt sorry for myself.

Here's the record that played in my head during my 30 minute drive to my meeting.

- "I'm tired of losing weight."

- "I hate this fight every single day."

- "This is hard and I hate obsessing about food every second of the day."

- "Why am I like this?"

- "My hormones send me into psycholand every month, as they are today, yet I still feel like I can't do this. Even though I know I'll feel better in a few days."

- "I hate skinny people. Not the skinny people who had to fight to lose weight, just the ones who are born that way and stay that way. I hate them."

- "I want to turn around and go home. I hate the scale today. I hate Weight Watchers today. Get me a Big Mac."

And repeat.

But as I was turning onto the final road to my meeting, I got stuck at a red light. As I sat there waiting for the light to signal it was time to make my left turn, I noticed a street person walking down the boulevard towards me. He was asking people for money as he walked passed cars. He was limping, missing a few teeth and didn't look much older than me.

Ugh.... Okay God. Got it.

I just spent the last 20 minutes complaining in my own head how hard my life was, how much I struggle, how hard my daily battles are and then I see this man, limping towards me, begging for money.

I hurried to get some change from my wallet before the light changed. He stopped at my window, I opened it and handed him the change. "Here's some change," I said. "Sorry, it's all I have." To which he responded, "thank you. Every little bit helps." He smiled at me and I smiled back. I closed my window and turned toward my meeting. As I drove past him, I had to wipe tears from my eyes.

He was right, every little bit does help. Even though I gave him a little change, it was no coincidence that he was there for me today. I needed the reminder that we all have battles. His is tough but mine is too. We can't judge other people on "THEIR HARD" and compare who has it worse. It's okay that I felt bad today. It happens. And while that man was begging for money, he still had a smile on his face. He was facing his battle today too with courage and kindness.

There's nothing wrong with struggling and admitting it's hard sometimes as long as we remember that we aren't alone and most of us are just aimlessly trying to get through the day. We are all more alike than we realize and we have to remember that.

I ended up losing a pound after all. And, although my losses are slower lately, I have to remember that every little bit helps. I will get there.