When the Breakdown Became the Breakthrough

I just got out of, what I will call, a cosmic shit storm. Why cosmic? It just seemed like the Universe was throwing a load of signs my way that I couldn't hide from. And, eventually, they all merged together to create this supercell storm in my brain.

It all started to unravel about three weeks ago when I got under the 200-pound mark. In January, I had set a goal that I wanted to be under 200 pounds by the time we left for Disney World at the end of September. Well, I met my goal and surpassed it. Yay me! But that was when it all went down...

THE MILESTONE

After surpassing 200 lbs, and entering "onederland", I immediately looked at the rest of my journey as "the last 30 lbs". Big mistake! Up until that point, I had broken down my journey into smaller chunks, about 10 lb increments, which made it much easier to digest. That last 30 sounded like a mountain to me. I could hear my motivation packing a bag and heading south for the winter. Yup, I wasn't ready to tackle the last 30. I thought to myself "Wasn't 55 lbs enough?" I eventually realized it was a mistake to look at the entire 30 lbs and decided to readjust my next goal to 189 lbs. Phew... that was better. But the storm was just starting to pick up. I didn't know the strength of its core. Yet...

My dad and son at the lake

THE MEN FOLK

Following this huge milestone, I spent three days with my dad, my brother, his kids and my kids at my dad's cottage.

Here is something you should know about these guys: my dad and my brother have very different relationships with food than I do. Their relationships are healthy. The generally eat very well, listen to their bodies' cues for hunger and satiety, they will have small indulgences but will rarely overeat. I, on the other hand, am a food ADDICT. My past includes emotionally eating, overeating, over indulging, attaching emotions to food (like guilt).... My track record with the stuff is not good. Obviously.

Sitting there with the two of them for 3 days made me both appreciate the way they look at food while loathing them all at the same time. Obviously, I love these two guys to bits but I was SO mad that I was not wired the way they were. Why did I get the crappy genes? I would watch them eat their moderate meals, drink a little wine and a have a piece of nanaimo bar and see that they knew they were done eating. I had a sliver of the nanaimo bar and all I could think about was "when do I get more nanaimo bar!" I guarantee, they weren't thinking that way. Like WTF????

Then came the book...

THE BOOK

Also, right around this time, I had just received an amazing book from my fellow Weight Watcher Shannon, which I think I mentioned in my first blog post. Shannon had a bag of clothes she just "had to get to me." I was like "dude, seriously. You can just give it to someone else. You don't have to go out of your way to give it to me." But, as she told me later, she was determined to get that bag to me. I think the Universe was nudging her to bring the bag of clothes to me that just happened to have the book I never knew I needed to read.

"It Was Me All Along" was written by writter/blogger Andie Mitchell about her lifelong tumultuous relationship with food. Reading that book was the fuel to the shit storm fire that had already been brewing. Why? Because her story was my story and reading her book made me feel both relieved that I wasn't alone but it also made me realize, yup, I've always been this way! But the worst part... It made me realize I will always be this way.

EFFFFF!!!! I did not sign up for this. I want a new assignment. Cheque please!

Now, even though I kind of knew all this, the book brought it all up to the surface. Every deep down, dirty little food demon.

Why do I eat like this? Why is my brother the way he is? I don't want to fight this fight for the rest of my life! I'm tired of counting points, pre-planning, obsessing about food. This is pure crap! This can't be the way it is.

But what I realized, as I sat through the storm, THIS IS THE WAY IT IS... It was that realization that turned the breakdown into the breakthrough.

THE BREAKTHROUGH

My first reaction, while in full shit storm mode, was to cancel my Weight Watchers account and hide in the basement in a bathtub full of chips. But I didn't turn to food. I just sat in that shit storm for a few days and realized I needed to make a choice. I could either get fat (AGAIN), unhealthy and miserable in a mountain of food, or I could keep fighting the best I could, continue with the habits I've fostered over the last 8 months and keep working on my journey to health. I had to choose my hard. Because there isn't some fairy who is going to come down from a magical land and make this easier anytime soon. This will ALWAYS be my fight.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was the turning point. I had popped back up over the 200 lb mark during the cosmic shit storm of the century, but as soon as it passed, my weight started to go back down again.

There was a block there - a mental one - but I worked through it. I had to get through the storm to find my rainbow. And I did. It's not the shiniest rainbow, the colours aren't very vivid but it's my rainbow and I will continue to find beauty in it.

Running High

Before I go into details about why running is such a huge deal for me right now, I should give you a little background on our relationship. It's a long and tumultuous one.

The Rocky Road to Running

When I was growing up, from the time I had a soother in my mouth (and even last week), my parents would constantly remind me that I had flat feet and running would be so hard for me. So in my little itty bitty head, I accepted the fact that I was not a runner. I just didn't have the physiology for it. It was science. And my parents told me so.

Fast forward to high school. I was tall and I did pretty well in sports but only if I stuck to volleyball, basketball and badminton. Court sports. They didn't involve too much running. Perfect! Because I was not a runner. My parents said so. Parents know things.

Fast forward even more to about 10 years ago. I was on Weight Watchers for the first time and everybody was running. If you were on Weight Watchers, you were either doing couch to 5k or running every day. I thought... Could I do this? Even though I'm not a runner? So I tried. I got about halfway through c25k running on the treadmill over winter. When Spring arrived I thought I'd try running outside. Wrong! Turns out running on pavement is very different than running on a treadmill. I tried to go back a few weeks and see if I could do it. Nope. It was so painful on my joints and feet. I stopped. I was not a runner. I was probably about 220 lbs at that point. At my heaviest I was at around 280 lbs. But even with 60 lbs gone, I was not ready yet.

Rewind to a few months ago... haha.... confusing with all this rewind and fast forward stuff... My kids don't even know those words because they've never seen VCRs. Sad little generation. Whoa - off topic! Sorry. That's how my brain works... Scary!!!

Anyway, about 4 months ago I decided I would try couch to 5k one more time. I went for one run and my back was screwed. I have a herniated disc and that was too much for it. So I quit again. Ugh...

Finally.... my time came. At the end of June, when I had to temporarily say goodbye to my aquafit classes I attended 3 times a week (kids home - schedule didn't work), I thought... should I try running? Again? The voice was a whisper but it still said "you're not a runner." I ignored it and tried. And this time... it worked!!

I AM A RUNNER

I finished couch to 5k about two weeks ago and have been doing a program to help with my speed. Today I ran 35 minutes running 10 and taking a 1 minute walk break in between runs. But I'm doing it! The turning point? It was an a-ha moment (Oprah... did you hear that?) One day, about 3 weeks into couch to 5k, that little voice in my head said "why are you running? you're not a runner." Instead of believing it, I changed the voice and started saying "I am a runner." Turns out I had control of that annoying nay-sayer! Ha! As I ran, anytime I would breathe out, I would whisper, "I'm a runner." By the end of that run, I had said it probably 100 times and you know what? It was the easiest run that I had had to date. Now, anytime I'm having a difficult run, I whisper "I AM A RUNNER." Or I listen to the 90s Jock Jams playlist on Google Play. That'll get anyone moving.

What Do I Love About Running?

• I'm competing against myself and I love pushing myself harder ever day whether it's distance or speed. I'm not concerned with other runners, I'm only concerned about where I came from and where I'm going.
• It's cheap. Other than my proper footwear, orthotics, my running app, headphones and good tunes, it's a fairly inexpensive sport.
• It's changing the shape of my body and giving me a really nice booty. Yes. True story.
• It's giving me even more confidence. Every time I run faster or run further - it's such a rush. It reminds me that I can do whatever I set my mind to.
• It reminds me that my body is something that shouldn't be taken for granted. It's a gift that my body has kept me going this long and running reminds me that I need to take care of it.
• When you exercise, you almost always make better food choices. The two go hand in hand.
• I can do it ALONE! As an introvert, this is possibly the best part. Alone with my own thoughts. Bliss.

And here's a little secret... Every time I complete a run, I actually picture myself crossing the finish line. And I love that! I hope to run an actual 5k run when we get back from our Disney trip in a few weeks. I think I'll be ready.

I AM A RUNNER!

PS

This is the c25k app I used when I started. You have to pay for it after the first few weeks but at least you can try it for free before committing. I really liked it! Now I'm using the 5k pacer app to work on my speed. It's also by the same company, Fitness 22.

PPS

I still have a herniated disc in my back but losing weight has made it better. Just better. If my back gets sore, I definitely don't push the running. I'm always listening to my body. I'm hoping to see my doc in the fall and perhaps I can have surgery to scrape that stuff that keeps squeezing between the disc and hitting my nerves. A pain-free back. What I would give!

New Body, New Confusion

Along with major weight loss comes a flood of comments from other people about your changing figure. It's a strange thing, really. The comments are usually kind and talking about how I'm "looking good" as most people put it, but that in itself is strange to me.

Part of me is elated that people see the hard work and want me to know that I look nice. Then part of me is confused that my value, at least in other people's eyes, has changed. Like I'm worthy of hearing comments about my appearance now that I'm thinner. There are people in my life that never commented on my looks, no matter how pretty I felt: perfect makeup, beautiful clothes, etc. Now that I'm thinner, they will throw compliments my way all the time. Huh?

August 2015 vs August 2016

"Looking Good, Baby!"

I've also noticed the attention I get from men (other than my husband) has changed. Lots of "you're looking hot" or "pretty" or "you're really looking good". The attention is obviously nice to have but part of me feels like - but it's still me! It's just the shell that's changed. Am I more valuable now? I'm really only hot when I achieve a certain size?

"You're Going To Disappear!"

I've also had people comment about their surprise that I still have 30 lbs to lose. Yesterday a neighbour said "where are you going to lose from?" She hasn't seen me naked! I've got some major muffin top issues, people. My legs and boobs are shrinking but my tummy is standing its ground.

Moving Forward

I know most of these comments are meant to be flattering but sometimes it makes me think of the girl who was a little chubbier. Was she less lovable to the world because she was heavy? Makes me really sad sometimes. Because she's still me. She's still in there trying to figure this out. She's where I came from.

So if you are someone in my life - don't worry, you can mention my weight loss. It does really make me happy to hear the work is noticeable to other people. The problem is how do I wrap my little brain around this.

How do I honour the heavier girl who still lives inside me? How do I remind her she is just as valuable?

What I ate...

Welcome to my first exciting installment of what I ate!

I would tell you 'suck it, Morpheus!' There is a perfectly good reason why I choose to show every last piece of food I've eaten since February... It's called accountability. If I'm posting a picture of my food, there's a pretty good chance I'm not going to overdo the portions and there will be a nice balance of veggies and fruit on there too. It also forces me to make my food look somewhat appetizing because I'm OCD and I wouldn't post ugly food pics. I think I enjoy my food because it's prettier. Martha Steward would be proud.

Posting food pics works. Here's the science. Swallow that pill, matrix boy!


On to today's eats!

Breakfast:

My friends on Weight Watchers started making my strange yet delicious breakfast and called it "The Nat Special". I may have actually started the name first... I can't remember. Either way, it cracks me up. Here's what's in it:
- Silver Hills Little Big Bread (low calorie sprouted bread - the best and 1sp for a slice)
- Laughing Cow Cheese 1 sp
- PC Blue Menu Twice the Fruit Raspberry Jam (1 sp for 1 tbsp)
- 1 slice Lou's Applewood Smoked Back Bacon 0sp (yes.... 1 slice is 0!)
- 1 farm fresh egg (2sp because I cook it on a non-stick frying pan. No fat)
- A side of fruit - I mix it up usually: berries, bananas, peaches, grapefruit, etc.
Everything is piled on top of the toast in the order given. Minus the fruit. That stays on the side. :)
Total: 5sp
*A note on the back bacon... I love this stuff! Amazing flavour and nice thin slices that crisp up. Like real bacon! I hate thick back bacon. I buy it at Superstore.

Lunch:

Took my daughter for her first set of highlights today. Very subtle, no bleach, just colour. She's so excited :) We got home at 1pm so my lunch was later than usual but luckily I had all the makings for a Greek bowl.
- 2 oz pork roast leftovers (3sp)
- 1/2 oz feta cheese (1sp)
- 1/2 cup leftover cooked potatoes (2sp - cleaning the fridge)
- Veggies: cucumbers, tomatoes, dill
- 2 tbsp Opa! Tzatziki sauce (1sp)
Mix it all up and eat it!
Total: 7sp

Dinner:

I've been fantasizing about this Boursin creation since I had this dip at my cousin's house a few weeks ago. But instead of using it as a dip, I used it as a sauce for my grilled chicken. We had a salad on the side. Here's how you make the dip/sauce:

- 1 brick of Boursin Garlic and Fine Herb soft cheese
- 1 tsp olive oil
- 1 small onion, diced
- 2 tomatoes, diced
- 3 tbsp pesto (I used Scarpones)

Place the Boursin in an oven safe baking dish. Sauté the onion in the olive oil until softened. Add the tomatoes and pesto. Mix until blended. Remove from heat and pour over cheese. Bake at 350F for 15 minutes. You could eat it with crackers as a dip or pour it over your grilled chicken like I did. And die from sheer joy!
1/4 of the dip/sauce is 6 sp

I may have had just a little bit more than my 6sp worth of sauce. And I may have had some with Bretons while the chicken grilled. It was sooooo goood!!! Tracked and enjoyed!

Good night, friends!

Bowling For Lunch!

Bowl for lunch and get your cardio while eating! Ha... Just kidding... That's not really what I meant. But I suppose that would be an idea.

Note to self: start weight watchers lunchtime bowling league and make millions. (Copyright 2016)

All kidding aside, I have a huge love for fitting as much food as I can into a receptacle. In this case, bowls. The reason I love eating food out of bowls is that it always seems like a mountain of food. It's all those tricks are little brains play on us. If we use smaller plates, or bowls instead of plates, it makes it look like we are eating more. And since I only have 31 smart points to use each day, I need my food to look bigger. Bigger is always better. At least when it comes to food. At least for me.

What's In My Bowl?
So what do I put in these bowls, you ask? Well the magic combos usually contain: a protein, a massive amount of veggies, maybe a cheese and some kind of sauce. Notice the lack of carbs. I try not to eat too many carbs at lunch. I do still eat complex carbohydrates but I tend to stay away from too many processed ones. Makes me binge. Bingeing is not cool.

Here are a few ideas of bowls!

Greek Bowl:
- Leftover cooked chicken (3oz for 2sp)
- Lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes (0 sp!!)
- Olives (10 for 1 sp)
- Feta cheese (1/2 oz for 1 sp)
- Tzatziki sauce (I use Opa! brand: 1sp for 2 tbsps. I just want to shout "Opa!"and throw a plate.)
- Fresh dill

Directions: mix it. eat it. love it. Opa! (I added couscous to this one too. Optional)
Total smart points: 5sp

 Tuna Salad Bowl:
- Tuna (I use the Gold Seal no drain tuna in safflower oil because it's jucier. A 1/4 cup is 2sp)
- Veggies: cucumbers, green onion, grated carrot or whatever your crisper is about to un-crisp
- Light mayo (1 tbsp is around 2sp. You could use greek yogurt if you like it better)
- Salt, pepper, paprika
- Heck, if you're feeling wild, throw a hardboiled egg in there too! 2sp

Directions: Open the can of tuna. Wait until your kids say "ew, tuna". Mix the tuna with everything else and eat it. Alone. I never have to share a tuna bowl. Haha, suckers!
Total smart points: 6 (with egg)

Burrito Bowl:
- Cooked lean ground beef (3 oz is 3sp)
- Black beans (1/4 cup for 1sp)
- Corn (1/4 cup for 1sp)
- Avocado (1/4 of the fruit for 3sp)
- Other veggies: red onion, green onion, cilantro, lettuce
- Fat free sour cream (1/4 cup is 1sp)
- Salsa: most kinds are 0sp
- Cheddar (optional)

Directions:
Yeah, you get it now. Total smart points: 9

Yay for bowls!!! Aren't they just the happiest little dishes around? Fill them with love and they'll love you right back. So get out there and hug a bowl, would ya!

What are some of your fave bowls?

"It Was Me All Along" - A Book I Could Have Written Myself

First off, if you have battled with food your entire life like I have, you should definitely read this book. "It Was Me All Along" is a memoir by Andie Mitchell, a food columnist and blogger who spent 20 years of her life overweight and her entire life trying to understand the complexities of her relationship with food. In reading this book, I've realized that I may suffer from disordered eating. I'll explain why I believe that to be true in a moment.

The Early Years
Andie's earliest memories include her watching her mother prance around the kitchen preparing heaps of food for family gatherings. The chubby five year old would become transfixed by lemon squares, cupcakes, and so on. She explains how she just couldn't wait until her mom left the room so she could sneak another cupcake in even after having tried one already.

Three year old me... When did the food obsession start?

I remember going to family parties as a child and being so excited that there would be a spread of my favourite treats there: Cake, chips and dip, soft drinks, etc. After having stuffed myself at most of those parties, I recall going home at night and sleeping by the toilet because my stomach would be so sore. This happened frequently. Yet I would repeat the behaviours at the next party. I was obsessed with eating and over eating. I remember also sneaking food like glasses of quick and soft drinks which my parents kept in the cold storage room for visitors. I would drink sips from the 2L bottles in hopes no one would notice.


The Struggle Continues
Andie's struggle with weight continues on into her teen years. When the doctor finally points out that she is obese, she tries her first attempts at dieting. Her mom even signs her up for special diet pill trials to help her along but she still ends up confused about how to eat and doesn't end up being successful. She eventually finds Weight Watchers and counting points seemed to click for her but instead of finding a balance with food, she finds herself obsessed with counting and making sure she is eating foods she deems safe.

Diagnosed With An Eating Disorder... Sort Of...
It gets to the point where she is afraid to go out for dinner with her boyfriend and has a panic attack at the restaurant because she couldn't eat her "safe foods". After that outburst, which resulted in a fight with her beau, she decides she needs to see a nutritionist and eventually a therapist and psychiatrist. The nutritionist suspects Andie has EDNOS, which stands for  an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. She had gone from a lifetime of overeating to a diet of restriction... BOOM... Lightbulb... This is me exactly.

My Food Obsession
The truth is I am obsessed with food. I'm always thinking about it whether I'm in binge mode or calorie counting mode. Thus the disordered eating. I've tracked and counted my food for 230 days straight because I'm terrified that I will screw up and fall back into old habits. I don't trust myself with food. I'm either all in (extreme obsession with being a perfect counter, working out, etc.) to all out and saying "who cares" and letting myself get drunk with food. And the sad truth is that I don't think I will ever be rid of this obsession. And that is exhausting to think of.


OA? Therapy?
My mom belongs to Overeaters Anonymous and I'm starting to think this might be something to consider. It's about learning what your triggers are, dealing with the compulsive thoughts and learning to give them up to a higher power - be it God, Source, The Universe, whatever. It's AA for food obsessed folks like me. The other option would be therapy and maybe that's not a bad idea either. I just look around and say "why can't I be like that girl who never has this compulsive thinking towards food? Why did I end up with this?"

It's the hand that I was dealt so I'm learning to figure it out. Slowly... Obviously slowly... I'm almost 40 and I'm just starting to skim the surface of this big old dilemma. Writing and talking about it helps because I know I'm not alone.

It Was Me All Along
At the end of the book Andie talks about how some people who have lost lots of weight will refer to their bigger selves in a detached way, like that was another person from another life. People talk about how their newer self is new and improved but she says she doesn't look at her journey that way.

Here's a quote from the book: "But here's the truth I've come to know: Fat or thin, it was me all along."

I know who I'm becoming is a result of where I came from. The girl that was oinked at (twice in my life by different strangers), the girl who fidgeted at her brother's wedding because she felt like a whale in that hideous bridesmaid's dress made for a thin person and the woman who birthed two children (without drugs, may I add) had to go through all those things so she could become the person she is today. And from where I stand, I'm pretty happy with the results, flaws and all. At least every day I'm learning that there's is more that I can do to understand myself, be kinder to myself and love myself.

If you want to check out the book, click here.

Nat
xoxo

Ermahgerd... Not Another Blog!

Let's see.... This might be my 5th blog in 10 years... I still have three floating around on the interwebs but I will just let them mellow out for a bit before I remove them. It's like hanging on to a tacky sweater from the 90s, donating it and realizing that it's back in style. Crap! I hate when that happens. Do you know how many 90s parties I would have rocked had I kept my Doc Martens and my lumberjack shirts? Dang!

My first blog started when I was on Weight Watchers about 10 years ago. I had just had my daughter and decided to join online. I had been on Weight Watchers before that but I attended meetings with my husband. We both lost some weight before our wedding and I managed to keep most of it off. I only gained 25 pounds during my pregnancy thanks to my daughter doing backflips in my stomach and making me puke every day. No surprise that she is now a competitive cheerleader. I guess things work out in funny ways...

My Z girl... What a cutie!

Back in 2005, there weren't amazing social networking platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and, for those currently on Weight Watchers, Connect. Instead, many of us online members had a secret blogging society. Well it wasn't really secret but we mostly found each other through online Weight Watchers forums. Blogging gave us a way to share our journeys with other people who understood the struggle. It was a safe and nurturing way to be accountable to someone other than our families and friends. I loved the online connections I made through that blog but as many of us do, I left the program, let life take over and I gained it all back. Awesome.

I was fairly healthy in my early teens but after a difficult few years, the weight started creeping on as I tried to numb my pain. My parents divorce had a very negative impact on me at 15 years old. A lot of responsibilities landed on my shoulders as I tried to take care of my little brother and soothe my mom after my dad moved out. I'm not going to lie. It sucked. One of my other coping mechanisms was blocking out the people closest to me. My best friends didn't know what was going on and I just crawled within myself to avoid the humiliation and sadness. As a result, I've become a complete open book as I get older. Verdict is out whether or not that's the smartest approach. Vulnerability... Brené Brown would be so proud of me.

2004 vs 2016

So here we are, round 4 or 5 of Weight Watchers (I've lost track). I've been back at it since January 12, haven't missed a day of tracking and I'm nearing a total loss of 60lbs. I have 30 more pounds to reach my goal and if I can maintain it for 6 weeks, I will become a lifetime member. My hope for this blog is that it will give me the opportunity to get messy, spill my guts, help me figure out my relationship with food (which by the way, I've had some major epiphanies on this subject over the last few days) and maybe even help others who are also struggling to try to figure it all out. I'm not an expert but at least I can share my own experiences in hopes that it resonates with someone. The connections I've made through Instagram and Connect (via Weight Watchers) have been so powerful in my success thus far. So if you are visiting from there, thanks a million!! I hope this is just another way we can all connect and figure this thing out together.

Nat
xoxoxoxo